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Articles: My Experience | A Silent Pain
- Dr. H T
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Recently I bought a house in California. On my way to Lowe’s to buy some home fixtures, I was talking to my sixteen year old daughter. I was reminding her how important education was and she deserved the best in the world. Immediately she questioned me the importance of having true happiness in life as against the best in the life. I did not have the answer for her question as that was the one which was precisely eluding me in my life.
The reason was simple: I had everything I wanted, a beautiful and very understanding wife, a nice daughter doing fairly well in her studies (5th or 6th rank out 600 students in her school, and with decent standardized test scores with the potential of getting into a good school for her under-graduate studies in the U.S), the satisfaction of successfully overcoming very difficult situations in life, a fairly good education(Ph.D.) and three masters degrees in engineering), fairly well paying job, and reasonably good bank balance (which may be peanuts if I plan to spend my retired life in the U.S, but if I go back to India, I did not have to work for the rest of my life), but I did not have Rosy.
In simple words Rosyless life was shallow for me. I am forty years old. My father, my grand-father, and my father’s brother all passed away at the age of 63. Based on this, I believe that I have to drag my shallow life, at least for another 23 years crying silently. Shared is my life, with the hope that the same mistakes are not repeated.
It was in 1981, I was 17 years old and was studying engineering third year(I joined engineering two years younger) and was staying with my elder brother. At that time getting admission into engineering was very difficult.
For Dassara we went to visit my parents who were staying in a small town. The first day I looked around the surroundings and neighborhood. There were a couple of nice looking young girls(sisters) staying opposite to our house. We had windows facing each other. It was easy for us to look into their house through our window and same with them also.
The first day I enquired about them through my younger brother who was staying with our parents. The elder sister was about 17 years and the younger one was about 15 years. Even though I know her name, I call her Rosy here. Rosy was very attractive. I liked her the first time I saw her.
After a couple of days, I believe it was Dassara, I saw Rosy’s sister applying make up. I just wanted to have fun and imitated her actions. Having seen me imitating her, she became furious and banged window shutters. My elder brother noticed my actions and smiled at my actions. It was fun.
In January 1982, after my educational trip to North India, I went to visit my parents and to spend rest of my holidays, about two weeks. The political situation in Andhra Pradesh was against Indira Gandhi and N.T.R had just floated the new political party, Telugu Desam. I went onto the roof of our building, and once I was on the roof, my brother's friends joined me and we were discussing about politics on the roof. After a few minutes, Rosy along with her sister and one of her friends showed up on their roof.
I had the habit of walking after I had taken my meals. Our house was very small. I used the front two rooms for my walking. Also I used to spend most of my time on the roof. Most of the time Rosy, her mother, and her sister were sitting outside and I could see them while I was walking. Also I could see them through our window. My walking routine created some impression with them that I liked Rosy which was true. After the vacation I went back to Hyderabad.
After a couple of months I went to see my parents again. At this time my mom told me that she liked Rosy and Rosy’s mother asked if I would like to marry Rosy. I was really shocked and also was very happy. Later on through neighbors I came to know that Rosy’s parents talked to priests to study my astrology which is the first step before marriage. My mom later told them about my acceptance.
After a couple of months I went again to visit with my parents. Things started changing. I started enjoying looking at Rosy and she was reciprocating by looking at me. One day I was just lying on my back on a big table which we used for sleeping. Rosy came to our house, and her coming to our house when I was home made me very excited.
She went to the kitchen to talk to my mother. Knowing that she would go back very fast, to cover my feelings I tried to pretend that I was sleeping. I covered my eyes with my hands leaving a small opening nobody could notice it. But through the opening I could see everybody’s actions. On her way back she had her head down and was just looking at me with her eyes wide open till she past me. This was an inexpressible feeling I could never forget.
A couple of days later I was standing in the front room looking outside through the front door. Rosy came into her front yard, and just looked straight into my eyes. I reciprocated by looking into her eyes. Within a few seconds with shy, she went back into her house. This gave me the strong feeling that she liked me.
After these incidences, and for a change I was planning to spend the summer with my parents. I went to visit my parents. We had to go to Mahaboobnagar to attend my cousin’s marriage. Somehow my brother came to know about the marriage proposal and me having a strong like for Rosy. My brother was of the opinion that I was too young, my feelings for Rosy would distract me from my studies. He berated my mother and gave her warnings with dire consequences.
He took my parents and everybody in our house to Hyderabad and did not let me spend the summer where I wanted to, looking at Rosy. The mistake I made was to let my brother know that I wanted to marry Rosy based on my mother's pressure, by writing in a diary. I was stupid. My brother read it and made it a big deal. He made sure that I stayed in Hyderabad that whole summer. I was feeling miserable. I hated my brother so much. I wished I had not stayed with him for my studies.
After summer my parents went back. I had no idea if my mother had told Rosy’s parents what had happened in the summer. After a couple of months I went to see my parents again. This time it was more encouraging. When I went outside Rosy was trying to see if I am observing her.
I remember once she was going out with her mother, and sister. I was sitting on steps. After a couple of minutes she looked back to me and was smiling that I was looking at her. There were several such incidences. They were all memorable and unforgettable.
It was in December of 1982, my sister-in-law went for delivery. In the last week of December, I went for ten days. She was always observing me if I were looking at her. There was a marriage function in our neighborhood. She dressed up beautifully. An orangish traditional outfit throughout and two hangings to her ears. The moment she stepped out of her house, through her looks she was questioning me if I were appreciating her new dress and her beauty.
From morning to evening throughout the day I was standing in our front yard watching Rosy and she was looking at me if I were watching her. I cherish those moments till today. I wish that day lasted forever. I believe my sister-in-law knew about it and was teasing me by asking me to go outside and look at Rosy. For everything there is an end. The sun set, and Rosy came back from marriage and changed her dress. She was beautiful in her normal dress too.
One evening I was on our roof holding my nephew, two years old. Rosy came out alone and sat in her front yard. I saw her for a few minutes and she saw me. After a few minutes I took courage to start making comments on her indirectly. I was addressing my nephew and saying that Rosy was beautiful. I was positive she heard those words. She was looking at me and probably was listening what I was saying. I remember I spent my time like this for about one hour. Later either I had to go or she had to leave. The day past.
After a couple of days, my mother and her mother went for a movie starting at 9.00 P.M. The moment I noticed them going to movie, I went to the roof, and started walking. It was cold and the moon was bright. Seeing me walking on the roof Rosy came out into the front yard. I was walking on the roof round and round.
She went into her bedroom. I could see her through the window. She was looking at me through the window. I was looking at her through the window. Both of us know that we are looking at each other. Only fear was that we should not be caught. It was almost three hours, and since I was standing on the roof I could see my mother and Rosy’s mother coming back from the movie. Before they were home, I came down and I went inside.
Next day again my mom and Rosy’s mom went to movie the same time. I went to the roof again and did the exactly the same thing as I did before, walking on the roof. Through her window she was watching me, and I was watching her. After half an hour or so I took some courage, and wrote something big saying that Rosy was beautiful. I tried to show her. Through the window she was observing all my actions.
After sometime she came out into her front yard, close to the compound wall. I did not know the meaning. That night I spent the time walking in cold, looking at Rosy for three hours. I wish I had the courage to take the initiative to talk to her. Till my mother, and her mother came back from the movie, I was walking on the roof, Rosy was lying on her bed watching me walking on the roof.
The next day I was standing in our front room and I saw Rosy coming out. I stared into her eyes. She stared back and could not hold it for more than a few seconds. She went back into her house.
I wanted to give her new year’s greetings card. I bought a nice card with Radha, and Krishna. One afternoon she was standing at her entrance while her mother, and sister were sitting. In our front room we had a cup board. I opened the doors of the cup board, and I could figure out that I could see Rosy, Rosy could see me but her sister, and mother who were sitting could not see me.
I was showing her the card, and asking her to accept it. Without saying any word, looking at me she was saying 'No' with her eyes. It did not matter whether she took the card or not. All it mattered was her reciprocation for my actions. I spent about ten to fifteen minutes trying to tell her that I wanted to give her the greeting card.
The next day when I was looking for the greeting card, I could not find it. By that time my younger brother stole it and gave it to his friend. I felt so bad that I could not find that card again and could not give Rosy the new year greeting card.
It was the day of election results. Rosy, along with her mother, and sister were sitting outside. N.T.R was winning with great majority. I was excited that Andhra Pradesh was getting rid of congress. My actions were shameful. I still cannot believe why I acted so shamefully. I guess it was my great adoration for her and I was looking for her attention.
The next day morning around 4.00 A.M. I went to see my sister on my way back to Hyderabad. Because of curfew in Hyderabad, my semester examinations were postponed by a week. I went to Hyderabad. I wish I had gone back to my parents. After a couple of months I went to see my parents again. This time things were not that exciting. I did not know what happened. After spending the weekend with my parents I went back to Hyderabad for my studies.
Things slowly started changing. My brother did not agree for my marriage with Rosy, and threatened my mom with dire consequences. My father talked to one of his friends who happened to be our neighbor. I think he was jealous of them, and gave a negative impression about Rosy’s family. Based on my brother’s intimidation, and the negative feedback my father got from his friend, my mother told Rosy’s mother that it might be difficult for our marriage.
It was the middle of 1983. I just completed my engineering final examinations. I had one oral test. I got a letter from my sister that my mom was sick. After reading the letter, I thought my mom was really sick, and preponed my oral examination. After the examination I went to see my parents. I was home by around 9.00 P.M. My brother followed me in a couple of hours. He did not approve of my action.
My sister, my brother-in-law were with my parents. My brother thought that I went to see Rosy on the pretention of seeing my mom. Actually I wanted to see my parents and also Rosy. My brother made a big scene out of it and my father berated me. I remember, that was the first time I talked back to my father. I wish I had had the courage to tell my feelings about Rosy also at the same time. My brother and my father forced me to leave to Hyderabad the next day, early in the morning. I left to Hyderabad almost crying.
All this had become a big issue within the circle of my relatives. I was desperate to run away from my relatives. I had strong feelings for Rosy. Because of my brother’s actions, and my father it became clear that I did not have not have any chances of marrying Rosy. I still had some hope that my mom will help me and I might be able to marry Rosy.
After a month or so I started working at a small consulting company designing steel structures. The pay was peanuts. But I enjoyed the work. It was almost two months since I came to Hyderabad. It was time for me to go and visit my parents. I went home on Saturday evening around 9.00 P.M. The next day morning I had hair cut and clean shave. I went to the roof and no excitement happened. I saw Rosy a couple of times. I had to leave to Hyderabad the next day morning.
My manager was happy with my work and told me that my salary would be increased by Rs 200/-. During that week one of maternal uncle came and told me that some contractor was looking for an engineering graduate and the work was in Nellore. With the frustration I was having, and with the thought of running away from my parents I decided to take up the job at Nellore. But it worked out differently. Instead of sending me to Nellore, the contractor sent me to a place which was very close to my parents' place. I went home around 11.00 P.M. By that my parents went to Hyderabad to attend one of my cousin’s marriage.
Early in the morning around 5.30 A.M. I dressed up well, and was about to go to work. I opened my door and was walking out. I noticed Rosy along with her mother coming out and were looking at me while I was going to work. I was surprised that they were still interested in me. I was going to work early in the morning and coming back from work around 6.00 P.M. I noticed Rosy, and her mom looking at me while I was going to work, and coming back from work. In one week I did not like the job. I decided not to go to work any more. On Sunday night my parents came back from Hyderabad, and were surprised to see me. I told them I had a job at nearby place and I did not like to work there. My parents did not object to my decision.
Things started going from bad to worse. One evening my father told me that he talked to one of his friends, and got a negative feedback about Rosy’s family history and told me that he would not like me getting married to Rosy. I was hoping that my mother would help me.
At this time based on what happened, I really was confused if Rosy liked me still. One of my cousin's relatives was interested in proposing her daughter’s marriage with me. His father was staying close to us. He had come to our place a couple of times. Whenever he was home, I was staying out till he left our house.
My mother was forcing me to accept the marriage proposal. Since I wanted Rosy, I resisted and said no. One day my mom told me that Rosy’s mom told that they were not interested in me. I pray god that this was true. I believed in my mother’s words. I felt dejected.
To forget the pain I was taking some sleeping pills. They were not of any help to me. After a couple of days, my mom brought up the marriage proposal with our distant relative’s daughter again. Feeling dejected based on what my mom told me, I decided to accept for the marriage proposal. We went to see the bride. The worst ever feeling I had: The person to whom I was attracted, and even though she was young, she had shown interest in me, I betrayed her by accepting to the marriage proposal. I could not come out of our house for the next four days.
The sleeping pills I had were of no use to me. With the burning feeling of rejection, and with heavy heart I accepted for the marriage. One night I went to would be bride’s grand father’s house and in the middle of the night the old man tried to molest me. I took advantage of his actions and cancelled the marriage proposal and I became a free bird again.
After a couple of weeks, I was encouraged by her mother’s actions. It appeared to me as if her mother was still interested in me. I remember for my cousin’s marriage I was wearing a new dress, a light cream colored pant, and a sky blue colored shirt. I just tucked my shirt on my trip to my cousin’s marriage.
Rosy’s mother, Rosy, and her sister were looking at me through the windows. It gave me some encouragement and I thought Rosy had forgiven me for seeing another girl. I went to my cousin’s marriage. I could not enjoy the marriage. One of my cousins insulted me saying that I was the only one interested in Rosy, but Rosy’s parents were not interested in me. That was it.
I felt like the whole earth was crumbling beneath my feet. I cannot believe how I could survive that insult. I survived the next three days in the marriage. We went back. Things were not that bad. Rosy and her mom were looking at me through the window. Her mom continued her friendship with my mom. I did not quite understand if they were still really interested in me or just making fun of me. I could not read their mind.
My father brought a tape recorder. This is another thing that brought more grief into my life. Since I had the tape recorder, I thought by playing love songs, I might be able to get back Rosy. I started playing failed love songs indicating that I wanted her.
While playing the songs I was walking across the two rooms in our house. Rosy, her mom were watching me through their windows. Probably I provided them free entertainment. I was really going through a lot of pain. I was hoping that some miracle will happen, and I could get her. I did not know how to get her back into my life.
Nine months past. My father had a promotion at a distant place. The place was so far that it required at least one full day journey one way. The option that was left to my father was that he could come and visit us once a month. I went to the railway station for send off, and I could see tears in his eyes, and could feel his pain.
My mother was questioning me why we were still staying at that place. She was telling me that neighbors were talking bad about me that just because I liked Rosy, I was not leaving that place even after my father was not staying there anymore. I felt insulted, and one morning I left to Hyderabad and in a couple of days I found a new job in a consulting firm.
Based on the new job offer, I went back and we planned to shift to Hyderabad so that we could stay close to my father and my father could commute weekly. I made arrangements for moving, and I remember Rosy, her mom, and her sister did not come out even once during the last two days before the day we were shifting. I have no idea what their feelings were. I may speculate that they despised me, and were happy that finally they got rid of me and my nuisance. The truck had come, we moved all our luggage onto the truck.
My mother went to Rosy’s house to tell her mom goodbye. My mom spent a few minutes in their house and finally came out with a small gift from their house. To my surprise, Rosy, her mother, and her sister came out and were standing near their entrance. With the feeling that I would never see Rosy again in my life, and with the pretention of verifying that the steel shelf was locked properly, I got into the truck.
I looked at them, with heavy heart I laid my head down and could not stay in the truck even for a second. I got out of the truck and asked the truck driver to move the vehicle. I failed in my life, could not get what I wanted. On my way to Hyderabad, I felt dejected. I wish what had happened was just a dream and my memories about Rosy were erased. By now I was just twenty years old.
In Hyderabad I had the feelings that I was rejected by Rosy. Me being a professional, I had several marriage proposals. I was avoiding the marriage proposals most of the time. I would admit that I was hypnotized by my mother about marriage, and my mother would have some help at home. I had a strong opinion that when I see a girl for marriage proposal, I should marry her whether the girl was good looking or not. This is what I tell everybody even now. I was getting dreams about Rosy. I could not forget her. Being shy, timid I did not shared my feelings about Rosy with anybody. Now I wish I had shared my feelings with my father who would have definitely helped me.
After six months I changed my job. I started working on Post Graduate studies. There were several marriage proposals coming. I saw one girl, and told them that she was too young, about 5 to 6 years age gap. One day my mom was telling me that number of people were coming to my aunt’s place which was very close to us, and my aunt was telling them that we were not interested in my marriage. I felt that if I got married, nobody would show up again and I could avoid people going to my aunt’s place.
I told my mom that I would marry irrespective of whether the girl was good looking. My elder brother showed me one of his colleague’s sister. This did not work since nobody asked me if I liked the girl. If anybody had asked me if I liked the girl, I would have said yes. Then I saw one my cousin’s wife’s sister. She was very young may be 16 years, and chubby. Was not good looking. I told my mother I would marry the girl. Her father, an advocate, had second thoughts of being responsible for the marriage of an under aged girl.
Then came another proposal. I told my mom that, that was the last marriage proposal I was going to consider, and if it did not work out for any reason, she should not bring up marriage proposals anymore with me. Within a couple of days I was selected by APPSC for a Govt. job. I thought that was a lucky sign. Along with my parents, and my cousins we went to see the girl.
I looked at the girl only for a fraction of second. I did not see whether she was good looking, but all I knew was she was very tall. My parents and my relatives liked the girl. I failed to convince my father not to take dowry. Marriage was settled and was scheduled after six months of engagement. All these six months I had the fear that would be my wife was a little taller than me. Dreams about Rosy never ceased. I had the feelings that I was rejected by Rosy. One of my PG classmates was working in Hyderabad. He helped me to get my initial posting in Hyderabad.
Finally I got married when I was 21 years old. My wife was about to turn 17 years in a month. Within a couple of months of my marriage, my mom told my wife’s mom about me writing in my diary that I wanted to marry Rosy and it did not work out. I told my wife about my failed marriage proposal with Rosy. My wife being naïve did not care about it, probably ignored it and did not make a big scene out of it.
It took about eight months for us to settle as wife and husband. May be it was our naievety. We were staying with my parents. It was my good fortune that my wife was very understanding. She ignored all the crap of mother-in-law problems. We had a very happy married life. I would say that I had a wonderful wife. Even after my marriage, dreams about Rosy, me looking through the window for her, and she looking at me never stopped. Whenever I had dreams about Rosy, I was feeling sad that I did not have Rosy in my life. It was making me sad, and I was feeling the pain. With a heavy heart I was thinking that she rejected me.
After two and half years I had my first baby. She was very good looking almost a rubber stamp of her mother. After working for the government for about five years, I was tired of corruption. I noticed several people of my age going to U.S for higher studies. I decided to try.
In my second attempt I got the required score for getting admission into the Graduate School in the United States. My father did not like the idea of me staying far away from him but he did not stop me. He could not appreciate that I was going far away from him. I still remember tears in his eyes while I was getting into the auto, leaving to the U.S. I can never forget his love and affection. His affectionate touch is something that I can remember in any mental state. Leaving my wife, my daughter, my entire family in India I left to the United States.
It was nine moths before my wife and daughter joined me in the US. During these nine months before my family joined me, I had dreams about my wife, my parents, and my family. Dreams about Rosy never stopped. Whenever I had the dreams about Rosy, I was feeling that I should have not married because I could not forget Rosy even after five years of marriage, and eight years the last time I saw her. I had a wonderful wife, good looking, pleasant personality, and as man could not expect wife to be any better. Inspite of having such a wonderful person in my life, what was that I needed to forget Rosy and when would the dreams about Rosy stop? I could not find the answer.
Finally my wife and daughter joined me. The very first three days my wife was very angry at me for keeping her away from her parents. I respected her feelings because I felt the same way when I first came to the US. It was peak winter, and very cold. We were staying in a mobile home, the US equivalent of an Indian hut. I was getting Research Assistantship about $700/- per month. This was good enough to cover my expenses and I was able to pay my tution fee. Finally my wife and daughter started getting used to new life in the US.
I remember it was middle of March, 1992. Around 8.00 P.M I went to shave beard. I noticed swollen glands on the right side of my neck. They were not painful. Based on my prior readings about cancer, I was suspecious that the swollen glands were not a good sign.
Immediately the next day I went to a physician in the University Medical Center. The physician looked at the glands and suggested me that he would like to see the glands go away by themselves in a couple of weeks. If they do not go away in two weeks then he would recommend me some antibiotics. I waited for two weeks with fear, and then I went to see the physician again.
He was not happy and put me on antibiotics for two weeks. Since the swollen glands did not go away, I was referred to an ENT specialist. The ENT specialist put me on antibiotics for another month. Later he reccommended for biopsy. When I went to get my biopsy results, the ENT specialist asked me where from I came, and told me the swollen glands were malignant. I had some understanding of the word malignant. I asked him, was it cancer. I was told that it was indeed cancer.
My wife was just 22 years old. We had a two and half years old daughter. The first thing that got into my mind were the lives of these two people. I knew how expensive the treatment would be. I told the doctor that I might not be able to afford the treatment. I straight away asked the doctor if I did not get the treatment how long was I going to survive. It appeared that he was a kind of offended. He told me that I should not use those words. In the U.S irrespective of one's financial situation, everybody would get medical treatment. He referred me to an oncologist. The oncologist was an Indian. I went home sad, and told my wife. We cried for a few minutes. We both decided not to let our parents know about my health. I was strong, and she was equally strong.
The oncologist took very good care of me. He put me through four cycles of chemotherapy followed by two months of radiation therapy. The chemotherapy process was very painful. Once in every two weeks a catheter was inserted into my iota. It was a very painful procedure.
After the catheter was inserted the powerful chemo fluids were given through the catheter. As soon as the fluids started flowing into my body, I was feeling nausia, my body temperature started increasing. I would become sick in less than twenty minutes. I used to go home with the catheter and the air pump used inject the medicine through the catheter.
With the pain of having catheter in my chest, and the chemo fluids showing their power, it was difficult to spend the rest of the day. I used to count minutes for the next 24 hours till the catheter was removed from my body. I used to throw up the entire day and was difficult to sleep in the night. After the catheter was removed, I used to start feeling better. It took almost one week to recover from the pain of catheter insertion and to get rid of the nausea effects of chemotherapy.
I used start feeling better the next week. When I was almost feeling good, then I used to go for chemotherapy. After three such treatments, I was feeling that I could not take the pain anymore, and was contemplating suicide. I was discussing about it with my wife. Somehow with great pain, the four cycles of chemotherapy was completed in four months. Even during this period when I was taking chemotherapy, I was getting dreams about Rosy.
Always the same dreams, me looking through the window, and Rosy and her sister looking back at me. Sometimes I almost had Rosy in my dreams. The pain of feeling of not having Rosy was worse than the pain I had when the doctor was trying to insert the catheter the second time after the failed first attempt.
The pain of excruciating pain when the catheter was inserted into my iota, the pain from the nausea of chemotherapy, the pain from the fever when I had the chemotherapy all put together was nothing when compared with the pain when I had dreams that I almost had Rosy, but woke up in the middle of the night feeling that I did not have her, and could not have her for the rest of my life. These were real feelings. I could not share these feelings with anybody.
When I was going through the chemotherapy, I was consoling myself that Rosy was lucky, and god helped her, and I ended up not marrying her. At the same time I could not forgive myself for marrying at a very young age, and causing so much pain to my wife. Without the mental support of my wife, I might have broken down and would have gone back without taking the treatment.
I was questioning the God why was he causing me the grief. Was I blessed with a passionate, and very understanding wife or was I cursed to suffer between my thoughts of not having Rosy in my life and dreams about her? Please do not tell me that I be happy with what I had and forget about Rosy. I tried not thinking about her at all.
Most of the time when I was at school, I was learning computer programming, and I was very busy with my school work. Most of the time when I am at home, I spent all my time with my wife and daughter. I adored her. She adored me. She was very passionate. She was very understanding. She was beautiful. She has all the qualities a man could imagine to see in his wife. The day when I had a very good time with my wife, I had dreams about Rosy bringing me considerable pain.
I completed my Masters degree and then continued with my Ph.D. In 1996 I almost completed my Ph.D. work and I was planning to graduate in August of 1996. I was planning to call my parents for my convocation. In the beginning of January of 1996, I was told that my father was hospitalized for some urinary problems and had undergone some minor surgery. I was calling my brother to inform me of my father’s recovery.
Time and again I was told that he was recovering. I never got the truth even from my in-laws. Later I came to know that my brother and my mother asked every person whom I could contact not to tell me the truth, the reason being that they were concerned about my health, and my studies, and as a result I should stay in the U.S based on my health conditions. They may be correct in their opinion.
The question I had for them was: Could they understand my feelings about my father? Could they understand the pain I was going through about my father? Now I feel that they had not hidden the facts from me and they had let me take the decision. Finally after a very hard push after four months or so I could talk to my father over the phone. He talked to me as if he was very normal. All he was telling was he was old-aged, and he was ill. I could feel his love for me.
He was a very strong person by heart. While talking to me he broke down. He cried. I did not suspect anything serious except that he was ill. I was under the impression that he wanted to see me. He did not give me any clue that he was terminally ill. He talked to my wife and my daughter only for a few minutes.
After a month or so I moved from Oxford Mississippi to Clemson, South Carloina. It was not even two days, my youngest brother called me and told me that my father was terminally ill with prostrate cancer. I did not expect it. My financial situation was not that good. I already had accumulated debt to a tune of about fifteen thousand dollars.
My advisor had arranged for a teaching assistant position for the two summer sessions. I talked to my head of the department and I told him that I would not be able to teach the second summer session as my father was sick, and I was planning to go and see my father. I purchased tickets to Hyderabad.
While I was waiting for the confirmation of my tickets, my youngest brother again called and told me that my father had a brain stroke. That is it. All my dreams about my father were shattered. The next day my elder brother called me, and asked me not to go to India to visit my father. I felt like throwing up. I despised his actions. I wonder if he knew the relationship between a son and a loving father. Over the phone I was quite silent and did not let him know that I was starting the next day.
One of my friends gave me ride to Atlanta airport. Our trip to India after five years began with a very sad note. I was very scared that I might not see my father alive. Throughout my journey I was praying god to help me see my father alive. Our flight from Bombay to Hyderabad was running late by two hours. Finally we landed in Hyderabad.
Even in the auto I was praying god to help me to let me see my father alive. At last, I went home and I was shocked to see how sick my father was. Right half of his body was not functional. My mother, my youngest brother, my elder brother, and my father’s two elder sisters were in our house.
My father had the memory of his eldest sister only. My father was just repeating the words what he was hearing. He did not have any memory of me. He was in pain. He was calling his sister in pain. I sat next to him. I took his head onto my lap. To comfort him I was pressing his head. I felt he was getting some comfort. In a few minutes or so it appeared that he was going to sleep. He stopped calling her sister.
I thought he was sleeping. I was looking at his face. All of a sudden he opened his eyes. He looked straight into my eyes and was trying get up. I was feeling happy that he recognized me and he was trying to talk to me. I was calling him and telling him that it was me. To my despair he did not say any word, did not close his opened eyes. Now I knew what it was, my father was just hanging on with his life just for me. My dreams of hugging my father and explaining all the problems I had in the US were shattered. I was not expecting it. I was left with the permanent memory that I did not let my father touch me during his last moments. I could not forgive myself for the rest of my life.
The next day my father-in-law was admitted to NIMS for a precautionary bye-pass surgery. Theatre infection took his life just four days before our trip back to the US. I did not have any options of staying in India as I had to go to the US and work on my Research Assistantship. Otherwise I would not be able to pay my house rent. I was struggling whether to go alone and my wife and daughter could join me later or should I ask them to come with me. I felt that I needed support and we all went back to the U.S.
It was a very difficult situation for me and my wife. We did not have any relatives staying in the U.S. All we had were some friends who were staying in the university. We both had to kill our time. I kept myself busy by doing data analysis towards my Ph.D. and my wife watching the soap operas on the television. Somehow we managed to spend the Fall semester.
Around the second week of December 1996, I was offered a position as a computer programmer in a start up company in New Jersey. We went to a nearby city to buy a couple of books. On our way back we had an accident. Trying to take exit, an eighteen wheeler truck hit our car. My car was totally damaged in the accident. I am still surprised how all of us were un-hurt in that major accident. My car was hit by the truck three times. First on the driver's side. Then my car turned perpendicular to the truck. The truck hit my car again. Then my car turned another 90 degrees, and became parallel to the moving truck. The truck again hit my car in the back. Finally my car stopped after hitting the railings on the flyover.
That weekend I flew to New Jersey to take up the position. One week later, I leased an apartment in Princeton, and my wife and daughter joined me. On Jan 2nd, my manager told me that my H-1 was approved, and I went home happily. The next day morning I was called for a meeting by the CEO of the company.
In the maeeting the CEO announced that because of the financial situation of the company, he had to layoff several employees and I was one among them. Since I was laid off from the job my H-1 visa became invalid. To convert my status back to F-1 I applied to a nearby Gradaute School, obtained a new I-20 and applied for change of status to F-1. While I applied for my change of status, I had to go for my medical check-up. In the medical center I had to explain my situation that I had no income. Thanks to the American hospitality, and I could get the necessary medical care I needed. Even during these extremely difficult days dreams about Rosy never stopped.
After managing for five months of being unemployed, and charging to credit cards, finally through one of my friends’ help I obtained a job as a computer programmer in California. I moved to California with my family. Slowly things started improving. Thanks to my wife, who was very understandable. We were slowly paying off our credit card debts. After a couple of years my mother visited us stayed with us for six months.
Things were going OK. Finally at the end of 1999, I cleared all my debts, and took a new job in Orange County and moved to Tustin. It was in the middle of 2000, my wife and daughter went to India. It was very difficult to stay without my wife and daughter. After one and half months I joined them. I stayed in India for two weeks. During these two weeks we went to Tirupati. I booked our train tickets on a route which I used to go to visit my parents when I was studying engineering, hoping for a miracle that Rosy might also be travelling in the same route. I know I was foolish, and was silly. I came back and after two weeks my wife and daughter joined me.
To explore the opportunities as a consultant I changed my job again. Later in the beginning of 2001, through some contact I had another consulting job. I had two jobs: one working as a consultant full time and another also working as a consultant part time, tele-commuting. The pay was good. With the two jobs I made some decent money. I was happy with my medical reports. With the two jobs I was working, I was really busy. Sometimes it was very demanding, working almost sixteen hours a day. Even when I was working hard, and thought I was a kind of happy, dreams about Rosy never ceased, she along with her sister looking through the window and sometimes I was successfully reaching her. But once I woke up, and realized that it was a dream, I used to feel sad that I did not have Rosy, and the fact that I could not have her.
After a couple of years, I bought a house. My house was backing to a major road and through the bed room windows I could see the road, and the houses across. Those windows reminded me of the window through which I used to look at Rosy, and Rosy used to look at me. Those memories were painful. Those memories stopped me from standing next to the window and watching the neighbourhood through the window.
One day in the morning around 6.00 A.M I was going to drop my daughter at school. While driving I could see the bright moon in clear skies. That brought back the memories of me walking on the roof, looking at Rosy, and trying to to communicate with her. I could feel her restlessnes not being able to do anything other than coming out into the front yard and then going back into bed room. Those memories prevented me, from spending my time in the backyard during moon light days, which I enjoyed since my childhood.
It had been past three months after I bought the house. The memories about Rosy did not seem to go away in this life and dreams about Rosy did not seem to stop. At times I get depressed not able to stop thinking about Rosy. Some times I felt that it would be nice if she had come to the U.S with her family and I had seen her happy with her family.
It had been almost twenty years the last time I saw her. I still remember her face, and her smile. I could not forget her looking at me and questioning me through her eyes if I appreciated her beauty. I remember the movie “The Ghost” (English Version), where in the deceased boy friend turns into a ghost after a fatal accident, and he was able to see his girl friend all the time. Only thing was he could not touch her and she could not feel him.
I was jealous of him. I felt like I should had turned into a ghost and I would have been happy. I had many wishful thoughts that I could see her atleast once in this life time. I did not think that it would happen in this life time as Rosy and I were in the opposite sides of the world. Many say that the world is small. For me the world was too big as I did not see Rosy for the last twenty years and I had no hopes of seeing her, as I was avoiding any visit to India to avoid the pain that would arise by not seeing Rosy during my visit.
A couple of times I talked to my wife about my feelings. Initially she was very upset. At times she berated me. She questioned me if eighteen years of our marriage was false. Her feelings were that just physically being together did not constitute marriage. Even mentally thinking about past was wrong. I could understand her feelings. I could not disagree with her. Knowing my wife’s sensitivity, eventhough I wished that I shared my dreams with her, I did not dare to tell her about my dreams. This was the only thing I had hidden from my wife.
I had a discussion with my wife and daughter to read my daughter’s mind. It appeared that she had read quite a few books. When I completed telling my feelings about Rosy in the form of story, she was of the opinion that the person who had feelings about Rosy might have been going through a lot of pain and he would not be able to enjoy rest of his life. I was really surprised at my daughter’s opinion. She expressed my feelings quite correctly. I felt that something terrible happened which should have not happened.
Slowly I tried to recollect the sequence of events that happened. First I blamed myself that I was young and had little understanding of the situation and not able to utilize it to my advantage. When my father told me that I could not marry Rosy, I should have had the courage to tell my feelings about Rosy.
I remember a similar scene in the movie “Devadas” where Devadas’s father did not agree Devadas’s marriage with Paaru. I envy Devadas for the simple reason that Devadas atleast had the courage to express his feelings. I always felt that might be if I had expressed my feelings, my father might had acted differently and things might had been different.
I felt that since I was too young, shy, and was afraid of talking to my father openly, knowing my feelings about Rosy through my mother, probably my father should had not objected to our marriage. It did not matter that I was too young, and afraid of speaking to my father or my father did not agree to our marriage, I am the victim of his decision. I am paying for my inaction. I would have had, atleast the satisfaction that I tried to convince my father, only had I talked to my father. I was the loser.
Should I blame my brother for intimidating my mother about my marriage with Rosy? I still remember sharing my feelings about Rosy with my brother’s wife. I was sure he knew my feelings about Rosy through my sister-in-law. Should I blame my brother for not respecting my feelings? Should I blame my brother for his insensitivity about my feelings for Rosy even after my graduation and just when I was getting married?
I remember my mother telling me that Rosy’s parents were not interested in me and then asking me to marry one of my distant relatives may be because they were rich. I pray god that Rosy’s parents were not interested in me, and Rosy was not interested, so that I could atleast have the consolation that my parents, and Rosy’s parents did not agree for our marriage and my parents were the only ones not respsonsible for my misery and it was my fate.
I respect Rosy’s parents feelings. Having realised my mother’s manipulation during the last twenty years, I strongly suspect that she deliberately lied to me, so that I would marry the girl, she was interested in whose parents were promised more dowry. What a cost I am paying for my naievity?
Later even after knowing that I had feelings for Rosy, I married an young and innocent girl(my wife was about to turn seventeen when we got married), it did not matter whether it was under my mother’s hypnotic words. I should have thought twice about my feelings towards Rosy, and then decided about marriage. If I had no feelings about Rosy, my marriage would have been justified.
Probably before my marriage I should have discussed my feelings with my parents. I did not have the right to ruin the life of an innocent girl. Most of the time when I am with my wife, I did not let my feelings about Rosy spoil the good times. But sometimes I feel really bad that I could not erase my memories of Rosy.
Now it did not matter whose fault it was. With the feeling of a wasted life, I am the sole loser: not able to forget Rosy’s memories, and not able to stop thinking about Rosy, not able to stop dreaming about Rosy, having cheated an innocent girl(my wife) and not able to share my true feelings about Rosy with anybody. Thanks to all those people who did not understand true happiness and had what they wanted at the expense of my life(probably they might have not intended), and in my best interests(in their opinion) prevented me successfully what I wanted to have.
Please do not ask me the question, if Rosy liked me. I did not think her eyes lied to me. I would be extremely happy if her eyes really lied to me, so that I had the satisfaction that she did not go through the pain what I went through atleast in the beginning. Were the incidences I described real? The only person who could answer truthfully would be Rosy.
I always tell my daughter to learn from the mistakes of others. Having gone through the pain, what answer do I have for my daughter if my daughter comes up with the same question as me?
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