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Articles: My Thoughts | Where do I stand ?
- Mr. Jahangheer Shareef Shaik
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After 24 yrs of my life I look back and say to myself 'Where do I stand?' I spent most of my school life in hostel away from my parents.
My actual life began when I joined intermediate. Things seemed to be happening around me. Outside world was kind of new to me. I was very polite and shy especially with girls and timid(as I remember I didn't go to college first week scared of ragging).
All my family was after me that I should study hard as it was turning point of my life. My dad thought that I would do well if I join some academy in the evenings after the class. I had good friends in the academy and I was studying hard to live up to the expectations.
One day they returned test scores and I scored the best in first test and girls started talking to me, asking me doubts and stuff. I was attracted to one of them, let us for now call her tweety. Tweety was very close to one of my classmates in the same academy and I always used to think there is something going on between them.
All the three of us were good friends and used to study together in the academy. Everything was fine until valentine's day when tweety proposed me. I was in shock because I always used to think there is some chemistry going on between my friend and her.
Later I came to know from my friends that she liked me from the beginning and already proposed me on Rose day giving me red rose(Every one except me knew that giving red rose is like proposing). I felt I was so dumb but I couldn't dare accept her
proposal. I was hardly 17 at that point. My only motive was to study hard and get into engineering.
After valentine's day tweety grew more strong and started asking me directly about what have I thought about her. I just used to smile and keep quite. She was damn beautiful and I knew more than one guy waiting for her outside the academy for one glimpse of her every day.
On August 18 she asked me again and as usual I kept smiling. At this point she broke and started crying. I tried to console her, explain her that it was not appropriate time for all these
things. I asked her for two weeks of time and we would talk more on my b'day sep 3rd.
Around last week of august I thought i will accept her proposal. Finally the day came when we were supposed to meet. Academy starts at 5:30 and we planned to meet around 4:30 that day. I was there at 4:00 itself.. it was 4:30 and my heart was pounding hard.
At 5:00 I was thinking she got late for what ever reason. At 6:00 I was dying off to see her. I waited till 8:00 and couldn't see her. Finally I went back home. Later that night around 10:00 my friend came to my house and told me that tweety met with an accident and is in serious condition.
Within next 30 min I came to know that she was going with her brother to get a gift for me on my b'day and met with an accident with a fourwheeler and it went past her legs and both her legs were amputated. My friends told me that we should go and see her. I couldn't dare to see her in that situation.
It took me two days to get out of shock. Finally I decided to go see her, as we reached the hospital, we came to know that she already died and body was taken that day morning. I totally broke, tried very hard that my parents shouldn't know about it. Used to cry alone spent hrs in the local park and my parents always thought I was working hard for my exams.
I decided that I'm basically very timid and shouldn't get into these affairs again. I started hating myself by the fact that she died without knowing what I felt abt her. It took me 1 yr to get back to normal. At no point of my life did I neglect my studies. I didn't anymore feel like going to academy so left going there and spent that time in the park alone. For next 3 yrs I didn't let any girl come close to me although many tried to, until my engineering second year when I met my niece's friend.
Not even a month of friendship with her I started getting attracted to her. I controlled myself not to get into that situation again but I couldn't just help it. Finally I proposed her one day and she left my life as if she was never there. I felt so neglected, so much hurt.
Since my encounter with tweety, there were around 9 girls who directly or indirectly showed interest in me and I never cared, and for the first time in my life I propose someone and she just left me? (Remember I didn't even propose tweety).
Now when I looked back to see who has been special in my life, I just see two faces and I am confused if I was in love at any point of my life. I'm 24 now, mature enough to decide things but somehow I'm dumb in this case. After 6 yrs I again contacted my neice's friend and we talked on phone regularly for past 1 yr and even now. I do not know what's going on in her life, I do not know how to proceed. I'm just scared of getting close to some girl at this point of my life. I seem to have achieved each and everything I thought, I want at each step of my life but there is still something left which I'm scared of. Today I look back into my life and ask myself 'Where do I stand?'
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