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Articles: Time Pass | Stock Market Jokes
- Prof. 00782 Maverick
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The next big thing for a stockbroker
Inflation and oil prices have pulled the sentiment down in an otherwise healthy market. All guesses are failing just like the monsoon predictions. At such atime here's a fresh look at the stock market. It has worked for many...
This happened a few days after the huge stock market crash on May 17, 2004 now called in market history as Monday mayheim.
These two women were walking through the forest when they hear this voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog:
'Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!'
The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The second woman, aghast, screamed, 'Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?'
The second woman replied, 'Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!'
Stockbroker Goes Dot.Com
A stock broker to another 'I don't think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time.' 'You're right' he replied'My whole life all I've done is lose money'.
Next day he comes to work and resigns.
His co-worker asks' What are you going to do with your life.'
' I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time.'
'How' asks the co-worker.
'I am going to build a web page and take it public.'
Stockbroker Eats Pizza
A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter to get it.
There a clerk asks him:
'Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?'
The guru replies: 'I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces.'
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.'
The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.'
'Just a minute,' says the minister. 'That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?'
'Up here, we work by results,' says Saint Peter. 'While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed.'
While the stock market was at an all-time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors.
One guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he was worried. He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked, 'Really? Even with all the fluctuations in the market?'
'Yes, that's right,' he said. 'Just like a baby... I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours!'
A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.
'You are too theoretical,' he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: 'I told you, I knew the secret!' 'What is your secret?' the analyst asked. 'It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine.' 'But, three and five is eight,' the analyst protested. 'I told you, you are too theoretical!' the broker replied, 'Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!'
Best Regards
B.Raghuram
Tecnimont International S.A.
CSPC-Nanhai site (Polyolefins)
Yanqian Village, Nanbianzao, Daya Bay District
Huizhou city,Guangdong Province,P.R.China - 516086
Tel# 0086 752 555 4157 (Off.)
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