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Articles: Time Pass | Iraq & the War
- Prof. 00782 Maverick
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Declaring War
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
'Hallo! Mr. Hussein,' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy O'Hara up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!'
'Well, Paddy,' Saddam replied, 'this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?'
'At this moment in time,' said Paddy after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next-door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!'
Saddam sighed. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorrah!' said Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back!'
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. 'Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be, Paddy?' Saddam asked.
'Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm.'
Once more Saddam sighed. 'I must tell you, Paddy that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke.'
'Bloody hell!' said Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back!'
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. 'Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Saddam. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners.'
Saddam's Body Doubles
The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first.
Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.'
'And the bad news?' they ask.
Aziz replies, 'He's lost an arm.'
Iraqis
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the heck those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.
Q: Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their air force.
Iraqi Job
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign ambassador.
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.
Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-5
Iraqi Motto
Q: What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad ?
A: Two days.
Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.
Q: What is the Iraqi air force motto?
A: I came, I saw, Iran. 2 ... F-16 ... B-52
Short Iraq Jokes
Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
A: Turkey.
Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?
A: DUCK!
Q: What did Saddam say to George Bush after he invaded Kuwait?
A: Read my lips, I'm pulling out of Kuwait. If he did pull out it would be Kuwaitis Interruptus.
Q: What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?
A: You shout out, 'B-52'
Iraqi Hero
Q: Who is an Iraqi Hero?
A: He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.
Iraq's Defense
Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
A: A refund.
Air Force Program
Q: Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
Saddam & Fred
Q: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?
A: They both c
Saddam
Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?
A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?
an look out of their window and see rubble!
Iraq TV Guide
Monday
8:00 Husseinfeld.
8:30 Mad About Everything.
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions.
9:30 Allah McBeal.
Tuesday
8:00 Wheel of MisFortune and Terror.
8:30 The Price Is Right if Saddam Says It's Right.
9:00 Children Are Forbidden to Say the Darndest Things.
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers.
Wednesday
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer.
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy.
9:00 Just Shoot Me.
9:30 Veilwatch.
Thursday
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi.
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H.
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses.
9:30 My Two Baghdads.
Friday
8:00 Judge Saddam.
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things.
9:00 Achmed's Creek.
9:30 Nowitness News.
Claims
The latest from Saudi Arabia and Baghdad is that : Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq. Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran.
Regards
B.Raghuram
Tecnimont International S.A.
CSPC-Nanhai site (Polyolefins)
Yanqian Village, Nanbianzao, Daya Bay District
Huizhou city,Guangdong Province,P.R.China - 516086
Tel# 0086 752 555 4157 (Off.)
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