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Articles: Time Pass | The Bills
- Prof. 00782 Maverick
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Who Did It
President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words 'President Clinton sucks' written in urine in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.
The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.
'OK,' says Clinton, 'give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news.'
The Chief says: 'The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is.'
Clinton nods and the Chief continues: 'The bad news is the culprit is Vice President, Gore.'
This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.
The Chief of Security swallows and says, 'It's in Hillary's hand writing.'
Bills
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.
God addresses Al first. 'Al, what do you believe in?'
Al replies, 'Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if anymore Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die.'
God thinks for a second and says 'Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.'
God then addresses Bill Clinton. 'Bill, what do you believe in?' Bill Clinton replies, 'Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain.'
God thinks for a few second and says, 'Okay that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.'
God then address Bill Gates. 'Bill Gates, what do you believe?' Bill Gates said, 'I believe you're in my chair.'
Celebs In Heaven
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, 'You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove you're Albert Einstein?'
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks, 'Can I have a blackboard and some chalk?' Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. 'You really ARE Einstein!' he says. 'Welcome to heaven!'
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, 'Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?' Saint Peter says, 'Go ahead.'
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. 'You are definitely the great artist you claim to be!' he says. 'Come on in!'
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, 'Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?'
Dubya looks bewildered and says, 'Who are Einstein and Picasso?'
Saint Peter sighs and says, 'Come on in, George.'
Bill-Hill
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas.
It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, 'Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.'
She smirked and replied, 'No. If I had stayed with him, he would be the President of the United States.'
Great Loss?
Once Bill Clinton visited an elementary school to talk to a group of third graders. He said to them, 'Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident'.
Then he said, 'Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?'
A little boy raises his hand and says, 'If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car.'
Clinton says, 'No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?'
A little girl raises her hand and says, 'If a busload of kids drove off a cliff.'
Clinton says, 'No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?'
A boy raises his hand and says and says, 'If you and Mrs. Clinton were on a plane and it blew up.'
Then Clinton says, 'Well, yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?'
And the little boy says, 'Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss.'
Y2K
One day in 1999, Saint Peter called Bill Clinton, Michael Jackson, and Bill Gates up to heaven. He said to them, 'I've called you here because you are the three most influential spokespersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tomorrow.'
So, Bill Clinton went back and said, 'Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he is blowing up the world tomorrow.'
Michael Jackson went back and said, 'I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he's blowing up the world tomorrow.
Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the internet and said, 'I have some good news and some good news. The first part of the good news is I've been voted one of the three most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is that the Y2K problem is solved.'
Tonight's Special
Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a restaurant. The waiter reads out tonight's specials that include Chicken Almandine and Fresh Fish.
'The fish sounds great, I'll have that,' says Hillary.
The waiter nods, 'And for the vegetable, madam?'
'Oh,' Hillary replied, 'He'll have the fish, too.'
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