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Articles: Humour | Blonde Jokes
- Prof. 00782 Maverick
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Joke
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.
A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, 'If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?'
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, 'Of course.'
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, '352.'
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, 'You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock.'
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, 'O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?
Joke
In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts, 'Can't you see I'm winning?'
Joke
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
'Impossible,' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, 'You're not really a brunette, are you?'
She says 'No, I'm really a blonde.'
'I thought so,' he says. 'You have a broken finger.'
Joke
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Joke
A man entered the bus, with his pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls.'
The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
Joke
A young blonde girl came back from school one evening. She ran to her mom and said, 'Mommy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! That's good innit?'
'Yes darling, very good.'
'Is that because I'm blonde?'
'Yes darling, it's because you're blonde.'
Next day, the girl came back from school and said, 'Mommy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! That's good, innit?'
'Yes darling, very good.'
'Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?'
'Yes darling it's because you're blonde.'
Next day, she returned from school and cried, 'Mommy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!'
She flashed her impressive 36-Ds at her mom.
'Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?'
'No darling, it's because you're 25.'
Joke
Three blondes are sitting in a bar chanting, '51 days.'
After a while the bartender says to them, 'Ladies, for the past three hours you've been sitting here chanting '51 days'. Why?'
'Well,' says one of the blondes, 'we just finished a puzzle.'
'So. What does that have to do with anything?' the bartender asked.
'Well the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in just 51 days!'
Joke
A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray, 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.'
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays, 'God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays, 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.'
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself, 'Sweetheart, work with Me on this, buy a ticket.'
Joke
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, the Blonde.
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note:
Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!
Joke
A blind man walks into a bar and after a couple of drinks yells out, 'Who wants to hear a blonde joke?'
The place goes dead silent. After a few minutes a husky female voice on his left says, 'Before you tell that joke you might want to know that the bartender is a blonde. The bouncer's a blonde. I'm a six-foot, two-inch blonde with a black belt in karate. The woman on your right is blonde and she's a professional weight lifter, and the woman next to her is a blonde professional wrestler. Do you still want to tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a moment and says, 'Naw! Not if I have to explain it five times.'
Joke
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, you can paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'
The blonde, after looking about, responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, 'Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?'
The man replied, 'She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?'
'No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the dumb blonde joke emails we've been receiving.'
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the husband asked.
'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
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