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Articles: Humour | Jokes
- Prof. 00782 Maverick
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Genie
A man walks into a bar and notices a foot tall Bic lighter sitting on the bar.
'Hey, that's a huge lighter!', says the man to the bartender, Where'd you get it?'
'Well, I got it from a genie,' replied the bartender.
'Fine be a jerk', says the guy.
'No really, look, rub this magic lamp and a genie will appear and grant you a wish', says the bartender.
So the guy thinks, 'What the hell', and rubs the lamp. Lo and behold a genie appears and offers to grant him one wish.
'I wish for a million bucks!', says the man.
'Done!', says the genie, and vanishes in a puff of smoke back into the lamp. The guy is ecstatic. He leaves the bar and heads for home. As soon as he gets about a block away from his house he sees his lawn is covered with white. As he gets closer, his suspicion is confirmed, it's a million DUCKS, not a million bucks! Enraged, the man speeds back to the bar and confronts the bartender.
'I asked for a million BUCKS!, NOT a MILLION DUCKS!'
The bartender looks at the man and says, 'Do you actually think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?'
Defrost the chicken.
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: 'Defrost the chicken.'
HOLD ON...
At a party, a woman was observing a child who would hold his chest whenever he bent down. After a few minutes, the woman asked the kid, 'Why do you hold your chest whenever you bend down?'
The kid said, 'One day, my teacher was writing on the board, the chalk fell down, and when my teacher bent down to pick up the chalk, I saw her lungs comes out of her chest.'
Gentlemen! Discreet?
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Jon looks around and asks, 'Now, who is going to tell his wife?'
They draw straws. Amanpreet, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
'Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.'
Amanpreet walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers and asks what he wants.
'Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.'
She hollers, 'TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!'
Preet replies, 'OK, I'll tell him.'
Jewish husband
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.
'Wonderful,' says the mother, 'What part is it?'
The boy says 'I play the part of the Jewish husband!'
The mother scowls and says: 'Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!'
Bran Matzo
Last night I went to the Supermarket to buy matzo and saw something new. It was Bran Matzo. On the box was written 'Let My People Go.'
Chelsea'S father
One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, 'Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. 'Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him.'
Chelsea was heart-broken.
After eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, 'Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June.'
Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. 'Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this.'
Chelsea was furious!
She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. 'Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,' she complained. 'Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother.'
Hillary just shook her head. 'Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father.'
Attitude
A young couple just married, are in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big husky man, tossed his pants at his bride and said, 'Here put these on.' She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
'I can't wear your pants,' she said.
'That's right,' said the husband, 'and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family.'
With that she flipped him her panties and said, 'Try these on.' He tried them on and found he could only get them as far as his knees.
He said, 'Hell, I can't get into your panties!'
She said, 'That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes.'
Adam'S Wish
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
he told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.
'It's a very handy thing,' God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. 'I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.'
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, 'Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.' On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
'Fine,' God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. 'What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...'
Wizard of Oz
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.
They all fall into a daze. When they come to, they extract themselves from the vehicle, and realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz.
The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, 'I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain.'
Gingrich responds, 'I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart.'
Clinton speaks up, 'Where's Dorothy?'
son in-law
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. 'That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!'
The father replies, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!'
divorce Barbie
A man waited until the last minute to buy a Christmas gift for his daughter. He rushed to the store and asked the clerk, 'What can I get my daughter?'.
The clerk said, ' Well, we have Barbie dolls on sale now. You can get nurse Barbie for 19.99, or stewardess Barbie for $19.99, doctor Barbie for $19.99, or teacher Barbie for $19.99, and divorce Barbie for $260.99.'
'$260.99 for divorce Barbie?!' the man exclaimed.
'Yes, sir because divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture...'
Dumber
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says...'Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!' The mom says...'the bigger they are, the dumber they are.'
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says...'Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!' The mom says...'the bigger they are, the dumber they are.'
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says...'Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !'
Ways of the world
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, 'Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?'
'Well,' drawls the farmer, 'you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke.'
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
'Okay', she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, 'Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?'
They say, 'Huh?'
She says, 'The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, 'Luke?'
Luke says, 'Yeah, Jed?'
Jed says, 'You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?'
'Yeah,' says Luke, 'I remember.'
'Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?' asks Jed.
'Nope,' says Luke, 'I reckon not'.
'Me, neither,' says Jed, 'Let's take these things off.'
Bill Clinton and the pig
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The pig was killed.
The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
'What happened?' asked the President.
'Well,' the driver replied 'the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.'
'My God, what did you tell them?' asked the President.
The driver replied, 'I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig.'
Rednecks
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, 'Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!'
'Don't worry, Bubba,' Earl said, 'We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.'
'What fer?' asked Bubba.
'Just let me do the talkin', OK?' said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, 'You boys been drinkin'?'
'No sir,' Earl said, 'We're on the patch.'
Female genie
Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle.
'Master, may I grant you one wish?' asked the genie with a smile.
'Hey, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!' barked Rodman.
The genie pleaded, 'But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever.'
Dennis thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he said, 'Okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!' Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed, 'Now leave me alone!'
The annoyed genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared back into the bottle.
The next morning, Rodman woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance.
Three coaches
Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed and all 3 died.
All three noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God motioned for one of them to come into the clouds. God wanted to know three things: Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you?
The first coach said, 'I'm Rick Pitino. I was one of the best coaches in the nation. I won an SEC Championship and turned the program around to a fairly respectable one. The people of Kentucky think I'm great.'
God said, 'Fine, Rick, stand on my left side.'
The second coach stood before God and said, 'I'm Bobby Knight and I've won three national championships, two NIT championships, the Pan Am Games, the Olympics, nine Big Ten championships, and I was the youngest coach ever to win 600 games, and the people of Indiana think I am great.'
God said, 'Fine, Bobby, stand on my right side.'
The third coach then stood before God and said, 'I'm Bobby Bowden and I've won 303 games and counting. I have won the Tangerine Bowl, the Gator Bowl twice, the Peach Bowl twice, the Blockbuster Bowl, the All-American Bowl, the Cotton Bowl, the Fiesta Bowl twice, the Sugar Bowl three times, and the Orange Bowl three times. I won the national championship in 1993 and 1999. I have won eight consecutive ACC championships. I am the only coach in NCAA history to lead his team to 13 straight seasons with both ten or more wins and a top four finish in the AP poll. As to what people think about me, well, the people down in Tallahassee think you're sitting in my chair.'
Old cowboy
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle so I guess I am.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.'
A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Golden wedding anniversary
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,' explained the lady. 'We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.
'My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.
'I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.''
Paint my house
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman entered. The man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly said, 'Paint my house.'
Airman Jones
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: 'If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.'
'Now,' he concluded, 'which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?'
To Avoid delays
Remember how airlines used to ask you to be at the airport one hour before departure? Now, to avoid delays, they want you to drive to your destination.
Dress size
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be six again,' she replied.
on the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!
wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, 'Well, dear, what was it like being six again?'
One eye opened. 'You idiot, I meant my dress size.'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
Live or dead
A pupil told his kindergarten teacher that he had found a frog. She inquired as to whether it was a live or dead.
'Dead.' She was informed.
'How do you know?' She asked.
'Because I pissed in his ear,' said the child innocently.
'You did what?' Squealed the teacher in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. The frog didn't move.'
Fixed
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, 'I can't stop passing gas. Luckily, my farts don't smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted twice since I've been here in your office, but you didn't even notice.'
'I can help you,' says the doc. 'Take these pills and come back next week.'
the next week, the lady returns. 'Doctor,' she says, 'I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts smell awful.'
The doctor says, 'Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let's work on your hearing.'
Negotiations
The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict.
The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. Arafat replies, 'Of course.'
The Prime Minister begins his story: 'Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing--including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing.
''Who took my clothes?' Moses asked those around him.
''It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites -- '
'Wait a minute,' objected Arafat immediately, 'there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!'
'All right,' replies the Prime Minister, 'Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations.'
Tax Office prick
A young hotshot gets a job with the Tax Office. His first assignment is to audit an old Rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old Rabbi, so he says, 'Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candle?'
The Rabbi says, 'We send them to the candle maker, and every once in a while they send us a free candle.
The kid says, 'And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?'
The Rabbi says, 'We send them to the matzoh ball bakery, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls.'
The kid says, 'And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?'
The Rabbi says, 'We send them to the Tax Office, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you.'
Married man
A married man left work early on a Friday. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the entire weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'
'That would suit me just fine' he replied.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her, just a little, out of the corner of his left eye.
Dose of radiation
Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.
'Oh, no! cried the lab technician.' Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!'
'What does that mean?' asked the worried young man.
'It's serious,' replied the technician. 'All your children will be lawyers!'
New doctor
A woman went to doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, 'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?'
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. 'Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?'
Husband Shopping Center
There was a 'Husband Shopping Center' where a woman could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. So, the girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor: The door had a sign saying 'These men have jobs and love kids.' The women read the sign and say, 'Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?' So up they go.
Second floor: Says 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking' Hmmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?
Third floor: 'These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.' WOW! say the women.
Fourth Floor: 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.' Oh mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further up! So up to the fifth floor they go.
Fifth floor: The sign on the door said 'This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Please exit the building and have a nice day.'
Gynecologist
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, 'I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.'
The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.'
Self-esteem
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, 'From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
'The funeral director,' said his wife.
A delicacy
An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, 'What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
Working hours
A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you a veteran?'
The guy says, 'Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.'
'Good,' says the interviewer, 'That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?'
The guy says, 'In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though.'
'Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started.'
The guy says, 'If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?'
'Well, here at the post office, we don't do anything but sit round and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.'
Favorite flower
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you tell me your wife's favorite flower?'
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered...'Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?'
Teddy bears
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him...they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy says 'Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.'
Snails
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?' He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!'
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, 'Come on guys, we're almost there!!'
Tragedy
George W. Bush is visiting yet another elementary school. He asks the children to give him an example of a tragedy.
A little girl raises her hand and says that if her best friend was walking down the street and was hit by a car and killed that would be a tragedy.
Dubya says 'No, that would be an accident.'
A little boy raises his hand and says that if his entire class was on a bus for a field trip and the bus was hit by a train and everyone was killed, that would be a tragedy.
Dubya says 'No, that would be a great loss.'
Way in the back of the class Little Johnny raises his hand and Dubya calls on him. 'Can you tell me what an example of a tragedy would be, Johnny?'
Johnny says, 'If you and Mrs. Bush were on Air Force One and were fired on by a missile and blown up, that would be a tragedy.'
Dubya says, 'Very good. Now can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
Johnny says, 'Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't a great loss!'
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