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Articles: Time Pass | News headlines you will never get to hear
- Prof. 00782 Maverick
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You hear many news headlines everyday. Do they really strike you? Take a look at some of the striking news headlines... *
* Source: www.thespoof.com
Microsoft to stop making Windows!
Bill Gates, Chairman of Microsoft announced that it would stop further development of its ubiquitous Windows operating system.
Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) of Seattle, WA, today announced that it would stop further development of its ubiquitous Windows operating system, installed on millions of personal computers worldwide.
'To be honest, we're tired of Windows,' explained a Microsoft spokesperson yesterday at a press conference called to announce the decision. 'We thought it was a bit of a joke at first, but then people started taking it seriously, and even installing it on business machines, and we realized that it was too late to explain that it had all started from an example from a course called 'How Not To Design An Operating System' given at the University of Washington. When we released the specifications of Longhorn, we thought everyone would at last see the joke, but instead it seems that everyone took it seriously. Just look at the fuss when we decided to decouple Avalon and WinFS from the first Longhorn release.'
Bill McFurty, the Chief Technology Officer of international merchant bank Silverman Sacks, commented: 'It's not the news we wanted to hear. We've just spent several million dollars on advance global licensing fees for the latest version of Windows.' When asked about the possibility of a class action suit by the merchant banks against Microsoft for the loss of several tens of thousands of wasted employee-years caused by bad software supplied by Microsoft, McFurty wryly commented, 'It's always a possibility'.
Linus Torvalds, the inventor of the free open-source Linux operating system, told us, 'I'm not surprised. All of us here in the Linux community have been saying this about Windows for years. Maybe they'll believe us now when we tell them that Windows is just a sick joke, now that Microsoft has admitted it.'
Bill Gates, founder and Chairman of Microsoft, was unable to return our calls despite promises by his secretary two days ago that he would do so 'as soon as he's finished rebooting his computer'.
Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer, who is recovering from an operation for pancreatic cancer, likewise refused to comment. His secretary told us that 'he is enjoying listening to his iPod and using his new iMac too much to want to talk right now'.
Santa Claus outsource to India
Board of directors of Santa Claus Corporation has decided to shift jobs to India. The work will be handled by Wipro Spectramind, the country's largest outsourcing firm.
In the Santa Clause Village in Rovaniemi, Finland, Christmas is a yearlong affair. Though Santa collects lists and delivers presents in a few days before Christmas, workers at the Santa Claus Operations (SCO) centre have to work all throughout the year, monitoring shopping trends, ordering gifts from manufacturers, and packing them ready for delivery. Naturally, workers in this part of Finnish Lapland take great pride in their work and are quite pleased with everything.
But yesterday, disaster struck Rovanemi when it was revealed the board of directors of SCO decided to shift jobs from the Village to India. Their work will be handled by Wipro Spectramind, India's largest outsourcing firm. On the London Stock Exchange, the SCO stock was unchanged from previous close, but volumes were higher.
A sense of disbelief hung over the Village and a few people even joked about it. But when the Internet magazine The Register released a 'Santa Sent My Job Overseas And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt' t-shirt, tempers ran high. One worker raged, 'We are going to be fired and a bunch of cow-worshippers are going to take our jobs. And for heavensake, they are not Christians!'
The outsourcing guru Lou Dobbs says, 'Most kids these days want a Playstation or a Victoria Secret model girlfriend. To call a Sony distributor or to write a 'Naughty Kid' card, you don't have to be a full-blooded coreligionist. Kids are happy if they get the gifts they asked for.'
On national television, Prime Minister Matti Vanhanen complained that business leaders were selling Finland. Opposition leader Suvi-Anne Siimes alleged that the government was not doing enough to protect Finnish jobs and was probably hand-in-hand with industry leaders in exporting jobs.
Back in the Village, elders advised calm and the majority to decided to seek solace in prayer for the time being. Most workers left prayer requests at the local church. Dobbs smiled wryly. 'You know, many churches these days send prayer requests to India. They will probably laugh their heads off when they read these requests.'
Churches and pilgrim centers in the United States and European countries are outsourcing hundreds of thousands of masses to parishes in the state of Kerala, which has the largest number of churches in India.
Al-Jazeera runs controversial math series
Independent media outlet Al-Jazeera is under fire from IMF, WB, EU & US, for the broadcast of a series of math lectures about new discoveries which can & turn electronic espionage transparent.
Independent media outlet Al-Jazeera is yet again the subject of intense criticism, this time not by leaders of the Iranian government or the unelected interim Iraqi government but by key figures in the IMF, World Bank, European Union and America, for deciding to broadcast a series of math lectures about new discoveries that could render credit card transactions unsafe and turn electronic espionage transparent. The series, entitled 'Introduction to Prime Number Spectrometry' explains the now solved Reimann Hypothesis and takes it a step further. In it Dr. Louis de Branges explains his findings in English with Arabic subtitles. French-born mathematician Louis de Branges made the discovery while working at Purdue University in the U.S. where he shared his findings with his initially sceptical colleagues, but never published his
results. The math community has since accepted the proof as correct. The Al-Jazeera broadcast has been labeled 'potentially disastrous', 'a terrorist act', and 'just plain irresponsible'. Others consider it harmless educational programming and an exercise of freedom of speech.
Public relations representatives at Al-Jazeera argue that there is a very real danger of the information being repressed and its purveyors censored or even endangered. This they say would not be conducive to the work that needs to be done in scientific research communities. Critics compare the information to the kind of knowledge that is necessary to make nuclear weaponry. It is highly technical, accessible to only a highly educated few, dangerous in the wrong hands, and illegal to publish-- even in democratic nations like the United States or France.
The Reimman hypothesis, proposed in 1859 by Georg Friedrich Bernhard Riemann as an incomplete explanation of the apparently chaotic arrangement of prime numbers, was completed by de Branges this year. Prime numbers, defined as integers that cannot be broken down into smaller integers, are the computational foundation of cryptology, the science of hiding information. When de Branges solved the proof he soon realized that it could be used to create a computational technology called the 'Prime Spectrometer'. The algorithm, metaphorically named for chemistry's spectrometer, a device that reveals the atomic makeup of any molecule, gives its user the atomic prime structure of any given number instantaneously, no matter how large the number. The discovery makes existing cryptographic technologies useless because they rely on the difficulty of deriving prime numbers.
And for many the difficulty no longer exists. But new concerns and fears are being raised in France where some fear that the video, which shows a man who was originally from France wielding weapons of math instruction (primarily the Prime Spectrometer, a 10-line computer program written in Lisp), will incite some of the neoconservative reactionaries in the Bush White house to put through a defense for a preemptive strike on France.
Meanwhile computer scientists at several financial institutions and universities are rushing to complete a new kind of encryption based on quantum computing, an encryption technology that is based on a different kind of math. Quantum encryption is very expensive but the impending expiration of conventional cryptography could soon result in its widespread use in some of the major on line credit card systems.
Pope slams Windows, calls Gates 'spawn of Satan'
According to sources, the 86-year-old pope was trying to enter the 3rd level of Doom III when the operating system crashed.
Vatican City, Monday
Vatican sources today confirmed the rumor that Pope John Paul II last week experienced problems with his laptop computer, causing him to castigate the Windows XP operating system and the founder and Chairman of Microsoft, Bill Gates.
According to these sources, the 86-year-old Pontiff was apparently attempting to enter the third level of Doom III when the operating system crashed, displaying the infamous 'Blue Screen of Death', well-known to Windows users worldwide. Subsequent attempts to reboot the computer seem to have failed, resulting every time in the message: 'Your mouse has moved. Please restart your computer for this hardware change to take effect.' The Pope, typically noted for his hard line on matters such as contraception and population control, but his tolerance of computer operating systems, is then reported to have thrown the computer to the ground and jumped on it repeatedly, supposedly following the seventh appearance of this message.
Sister Tachycardia of the Order of St. Clarence, personal aromatherapist to His Holiness, reported, 'I was in the next room when I heard a crash and a series of bangs, followed by some words in Polish. I don't speak Polish, and I am very glad that I don't, because the Holy Father was probably saying something he shouldn't have been saying, even if he is the Holy Father.'
Monsignor Alfredo de Pomodoro, who has acted as the Pope's personal IT consultant for a number of years, added, 'I received an urgent message on my pager from Sister Tachycardia, and rushed to His Holiness. The computer itself was a wreck -- those papal slippers may not look like much, but they can trash a hard disk drive in only a few minutes. The Holy Father was speaking in Italian by the time I reached him. I couldn't make out much, though, except that he was commenting that Windows XP was 'diabolical' and those responsible for its design, development and marketing were the 'spawn of Satan'.
Given that the Pope's pronouncements are often regarded by the Catholic Church as coming from an infallible source, this development poses problems for Church members, and for the Catholic Church itself.
Cardinal Ricardo Uomo, Chief Technology Officer of the Vatican Bank, complained that 'we have just updated our commodity futures derivatives trading programs to work with Windows XP. Now he [His Holiness] tells us this is all the work of the Devil. What am I meant to do? Pour holy water in the drives, or install Linux or something? Sure, we've had a few problems with the licensing scheme, but I wouldn't go as far as the Boss has done. I wish he would leave well alone and not meddle with things he doesn't understand. If anyone's going to excommunicate the Microsoft QA team, I think it should be the Vatican technologists.'
On Wall Street, major securities house Streep Merrill faced chaos, as Catholic workers on the bond trading floor refused to use their computers until they were replaced with new iMacs. 'And they all want matching pink mini iPods,' moaned one manager. 'There's no way we can get all pink ones -- some of them will just have to make do with green.'
Bill Gates was unavailable for comment 'until the new moon', according to a Microsoft spokesman.
John Kerry captures Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan
Democratic Presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry , assisted by a small private army of expert fighters, captured terrorist leader Osama bin Laden.
ISLAMABAD. In a mighty strike to the core of infamous terror group Al-Qaeda, Democratic Presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry , assisted by a small privately contracted army of expert fighters and strategists, captured terrorist leader Osama bin Laden today. Kerry and his compact fighting force boarded a private jet after he was leaked classified information in a personal communication with Pentagon authorities. Though reports are unconfirmed it seems likely that intelligence officials acted on their conscience after Bush refused several times to respond to clear intelligence, responding only with intimidation tactics, which in the end were unsuccesful. It seems likely that the unreponsiveness of the commander-in-chief led still unnamed authorities to resort to illegally comissioning Senator Kerry to handle the job.
'I am proud to have done this service to America and the world,' said Sen. John Kerry in a live press release, 'My troops were courageous, and I'm proud to say the only people we were forced to kill were a few sleeping guards outside [Bin Laden's] canvas tent. Now the world can sleep more soundly and feel safer.' He then added, 'But there is more to security than catching a major terrorist. Other bin Ladens will appear. There will be evil acts of terror in the world as long as the United States and its allies continue to exercise hurtful and one-sided policies upon the rest of the world. We must be less greedy, consume in more effective ways, and seek to build proactive and mutually beneficial relationships with impoverished nations. We must offer the people of the Arab world an alternative to the mock-leadership of terrorist leaders. My fellow Americans, I ask you to vote your conscience in this election. The future of America, your future, and future of the world may depend on it.'
John Kerry's favorability is up to 89% while Bush's ratings have dropped down to 5% according to the latest Wall Street Journal/Zogby International poll.
It is rumored that the whereabouts of Bin Laden were well-known in intelligence circles for weeks but that action had been withheld because President Bush had been waiting for a politically more strategic time to strike. According to the rumors an anonymous Pentagon source said, 'The decision was a matter of conscience. I just couldn't sit by and watch this blue-blood president who has never been to war make a mockery of national security yet again.'
Several major motion picture companies are currently vying for film rights for an action movie adaptation of the story.
International Olympic Committee asks Bill Gates for money
The International Olympic Committee has accumulated over $30 bn in debt & expenses for a numerous amount of things
ATHENS, GREECE-- With a slump in ticket sales and empty seats that haven't been filled, the International Olympic Committee is facing a major issue. Over the last few years they have accumulated over 30 billion dollars in debt and expenses for a numerous amount of things.
'We didn't know it would end up costing this much to just set up a few arenas, swimming pools, tent, etc.' said Tom Nelson, president of the committee. 'But, this is getting out of hand, and it's only getting worse,' he added. 'We thought the U.S. would come through like they do in everything else and bring tourists and spend money.'
It's apparent that big names such as Michael Phelps, the guy that one all of those medals in swimming, and Carly Patterson, that real good gymnast, are failures in other parts of life. And, that's winning ticket sales. Ticket sales are at an all time low for these games in Athens. Not even the anniversary of the first Greek games or whatever is helping either.
So, Tom Nelson contacted Bill Gates as a last resort on the possibilities of a loan. Here is what Bill had to say from his plush mansion in Beverly Hills, California.
'Ha, ha. I knew this day would come at some point in my life,' laughed Gates. 'The day that 'jocks' would want to borrow money from me,' he added. 'The same 'nerd' that they always pushed, punked and bullied in high school.' 'Well, the answer is NO!!'
Once Tom Nelson and the International Olympic Committee heard about this, they planned to take physical action promptly. They showed up to Gates' mansion and caught him in the driveway. Nelson immediately gave Bill a wedgy and an unnamed assailant picked Gates up by his ankles emptying the contents of his pockets.
The committee quickly collected numerous amounts of credit cards and one billion dollars in cash and fled.
Bill Gates then told our reporters that the joke was on them. He said that he has a secret button he can push on his car keys. This button will notify all of his creditors, thus making all of his cards obsolete. 'The 'nerd' always wins,' he smiled.
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