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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ One day sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of a building when a man came running in to his office and shouted 'Santa singh your daughter Preeto just died in an accident!' Sardarji was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window! While falling down, when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named preeto! When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married! When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Santa Singh. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks 'kyon bhai ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?' Sardarji replies 'Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun!' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Jee chahata hai tere nili nili aakhon mein doob jaaoon! Jee chahata hai tere nili nili aakhon mein doob jaaoon... SPLASH! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Santa had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Santa went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Santa slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. 'Boss', he said, 'I'm here early! The pill actually worked !' 'That's all fine' said the boss, ' But where were you yesterday?' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ There are three guys waiting outside the operation theatre.The first person is reading a book called 'Lord Jesus'. A nurse comes out and tells the first person 'Your wife has delivered a baby'. After sometime the nurse comes back and looks at the second person. The second person is reading a book called 'Lav Kush'. The nurse informs him that his wife has delivered two babies. After some more time the nurse comes back but before she can say anything the third person runs away from there leaving behind the book he was reading - titled 'Ali Baba Chaalis Chor' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ How does Santa Singh describe 'assassination'? Gadhe ke peechhe gadha. Uske peechhe main. Mere peechhe sara Hindustan! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, 'Do you see that couple? They are so devoted! He kisses her every time they meet! Why don't you do that too?' I'd love to,' replied the husband, 'But I don't know her well enough!' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A woman was sitting in the doctor`s office when he came in and said,'This isn`t a urine sample you brought in. It`s apple juice.' 'Oh my god' she said. 'I`ve got to get to a phone.' 'Why?' asked the doctor. 'I must have packed the other bottle in my husbands lunch box.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@'Mummy, Mummy', called Little Santa Singh one day, 'do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation ?' 'Yes', said his mother. 'What about it?' 'Well the last generation just dropped it.' exclaimed the little boy. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Santa Singh is in a restaurant and goes to the toilet to pee. The toilet has two commodes and there's a guy already there using one of them. The two guys acknowledge each other and go about with their business. Santa Singh finishes first and, as he pulls his pants up, some change drops into the bowl. He looks at it, thinks for a moment and throws a Rs.100 bill into the bowl. The other guy asks, 'Why did you do that?' Santa Singh replies, 'Don't expect to put my hand in there for 50 paise.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following: 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube of toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving of cereal 1 single frozen dinner The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, 'Single,HUH?' The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, 'How'd you guess?' He says, 'Because you're ugly.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Santa Singh walks into a bar and sits down next to drunk Banta Singh who is closely examining something held in his fingers. Santa watches the drunk guy for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. 'Well,' said Banta, 'it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.' 'Let me have it,' said Santa. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. 'Yes,' he finally said, 'it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?' 'From my nose,' Banta Singh. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?' The father replied: 'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Feeling rather thankful, Santa Singh, a farmer climbed to the highest hill on his farm, raised his arms above his head and yelled, 'God, why did you make my wife, Jaspinder, so beautiful?' The answer came back, 'So you would love her, my son.' Then he asked, 'Why did you make her such a good cook?' 'So you would love her, my child.' replied the Almighty. 'Why did you make her such a great housekeeper?' 'Again, so you would love her.' 'But Lord, why did you make her so stupid?' pondered the farmer. 'So she would love you.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Santa Singh is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time. The man, looking at his watch, helpfully responds, 'The time is now four o'clock.' Santa Singh scratches his head and says, 'Oye! Kamaal hai! I've been asking people that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, 'keep tightly closed.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room. Jasmeet: 'What are you searching for?' Santa: 'Hidden cameras!' Jasmeet: 'And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?' Santa: 'That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching MTV! How does he know that?' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ 'How long will it take to pull my tooth?' The patient asked the dentist. ' Only two seconds' ' How much will it cost?' ' Fifty rupees.' 'For only two seconds of work?' ' Well,' The dentist answered coolly, ' I can pull it very slowly if you prefer!' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while, the husband said 'When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey.' His bride replied, 'I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ 'Daddy, where did I come from?' the seven-year-old Ramu asked. It was a moment for which his parents had carefully prepared. They took him into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought he should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. 'Does that answer your question?' his father asked. 'Not really,' the little boy said. 'Jassi said she came from Chandigarh. I want to know where I came from.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. 'Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,' answered the patient. 'You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?' The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, 'Pay me in advance.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Employer to applicant: 'In this job, we need someone who is responsible.' Applicant: 'I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Santa Singh comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, 'Get me a beer before it starts.' The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, 'Get me another beer before it starts.' She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, 'Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute.' The wife is furious. She yells at him 'Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . .' Santa sighs and says, 'It's started... ' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Instructor giving a lecture on the population explosion: 'Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child.' One student immediately stands up and says: 'She must be found and stopped, sir!' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ In a Japanese house a baby was born. It had tiny eyes, nose, ears and mouth; so they named him Ingwingwong. Soon a second baby was born. It also had tiny ears, eyes, nose and mouth. They named him Chingwingwong. Then the third was born. It had BIG ears, eyes, nose and mouth. The parents thought for long and at last named him Somethingwrong. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The world's most avid hockey fan, a beautiful sardarni, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game of the series between local rival teams only to realize that she had left her ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the match, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, 'Hey, Jasmeet!' She looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice - with no success. Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again. Just as she got to the window, a voice called out, 'Hey, jasmeet!' Again she tried to find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck. She was very upset as she got back in line for her ticket. Finally she had her ticket and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As she waited for it to start, she heard the voice calling, 'Hey, Jasmeet!' once more. Furious, she stood up and yelled at the top of her lungs, 'My name isn't Jasmeet!' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ This guy says to his buddy, 'You'll never believe what happened last night.' His buddy says, 'Well then, tell me what happened.' The guy says, 'Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.' She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?' I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Mrs Santa Singh was so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, 'Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!' The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, 'She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the country side and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, 'There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.' 'No problem,' spoke the Rabbi. 'My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.' With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. 'What's wrong?' asked the farmer. He replied, 'I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.' His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. 'What's wrong, now?' the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replies, 'I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!' Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ At the rescue site of a crashed airplane, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of their bones, he noticed the rescue team. 'Thank God', he cried out in relief. 'I am saved!' The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. 'You can't judge me for this,' he insisted. 'I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?' The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. 'I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, Your damn plane only went down yesterday!' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, 'How was I born?' 'Well honey...' said the slightly prudish parent, 'the stork brought you to us.' 'Oh,' said the boy. 'Well, how did you and daddy get born?' he asked. 'Oh, the stork brought us too.' 'Well how were grandpa and grandma born?' he persisted. 'Well darling, the stork brought them too!' said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: 'This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ One day a group of 30 Pakistani soldiers are on patrol at the Indo - Pak border when they come upon an Indian sardarji soldier relaxing on top of a small hill. The Sardarji puts his hands on his hips and screams out, 'Oye kutton! Do any of you think you're man enough to take me on?' The biggest Pakistani comes running up the hill, screaming back at the Indian. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the Indian reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, 'Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?' The enraged Paki team leader sends his entire platoon, all 30 men, charging after the sardarji soldier. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Pakistani crawls over the top of the hill. The Paki platoon leader yells up to his man, 'What's going on up there?' The wounded Pakistani soldier, with his last bit of breath, replies, 'Sir, it's a . . .a trap, sir. There's two of them!' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, 'I'd really like to dance with that girl.' The other man replies, 'Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit.' So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, 'Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?' Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, 'I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance.' So the man humbly returns to his friend. 'So what did she say?' asks the friend. The drunk responded, 'She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ 'Why did Santa Singh leave his job?' 'Illness.' 'Anything serious?' 'Yes. The boss got sick of him.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, 'Who's this guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?' 'That's your father.' said the mother. The boy seemed astonished as he said to his mom, 'Then who's that old baldheaded fat man that lives with us now?' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ 'Honey,' said a husband to his wife, 'I invited a friend home for dinner.' 'What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!' 'I know all that.' 'Then why did you invite a friend for supper?' 'Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ As an airplane is about to crash a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, 'If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.' She removes all her clothing and asks, 'Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?' A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, 'Here, iron this'. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A burglar was in a dark house. When he picked up the T.V. a voice said 'Jesus is watching you.' He dropped the T.V. and whirled around his flashlight looking for someone without any luck. After picking up the VCR the voice said once again 'Jesus is watching you.' He dropped the VCR and demanded 'Who said that?' A voice in the back of the room said 'Me, Clarence!' He spotted a parrot with the flashlight and said 'Did you say that?' Clarence acknowledged. The burglar then asked 'Who would name a Parrot Clarence?' To which Clarence replied 'The same guy who named the alsatian Jesus!' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, 'yes, I can put you right.' After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, 'You swine, you gave me a woman's ears.' 'Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.' 'You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, 'Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.' He listened a while longer, and said, 'There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling.' So the magistrate kept listening; 'There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth...' Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on him; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered, 'My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - 'I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?' 'Oh, not any more, he doesn't,' the other replied. 'What stopped him?' 'I started talking about my next husband.' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Santa Singh, who has a bad memory, goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. 'So, can you tell us your age, please?' Santa counts carefully on his fingers for half a minute before replying. 'Um ... 28.' The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?' The man stands up and produces a measuring tape from his handbag. He then traps one end under his foot and extends the tape to the top of his head. He checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot four!' This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the he won't have to count, measure, or lookup. 'Just to confirm for our records, your name please?' Santa Singh bobs his head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to himself, before replying, 'Santa Singh!' The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'What were you doing when I asked you your name?' 'Oh, that!' replies Santa,' I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. 'My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!' the shaken man told the cop. 'The car hit you from behind,' the officer said. 'How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?' 'I recognized the laugh!' he replied. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A man spoke frantically into the phone, 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!' 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No, you idiot!' the man shouted. 'This is her husband!' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A 14 year beautiful girl ran up to her mother and asked her in a hurry, 'Mom, can I get pregnent?' Mother replied calmly, 'No, dear.' The girl replied, 'O.K.' and turned away shouting to her waiting friends, 'Guys, Same game again!' @@@@@@@@@@@@@ One day Rahul says to his dad, 'Papa mere pas ek achhi khabar ,aur ek buri kabar hai.' Papa replies, 'OK, tell me the achhi khabar first.' Rahul says, 'Maths aur English mein mere 88 marks mile hain!' Papa says, 'Aur buri khabar kya hai?' Says Rahul, 'Maths aur English mein mila kar mere 88 marks aye hain!' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A guy's on the electric chair waiting to be electrocuted. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, 'Do you have any last requests?' The guy says, '(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

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