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Articles: Time Pass | Weekend Fun
- Prof. 00782 Maverick
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Laloo and Rabri Devi were walking down the road when Rabri turns to Laloo and says, 'Hey look at that dog with one eye!' Laloo covers up one of his eyes and says, 'Where?'
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A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain.
'What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?'
'Throw out an anchor, sir.'
'What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?'
'Throw out another anchor, sir.'
'And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?'
'Throw out another anchor.'
'Hold on,' said the Captain, 'where are you getting all your anchors from?'
'From the same place you're getting your storms, sir.'
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The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper.
'How much does it cost to have an obituary printed'? asked miser Santa Singh.
'It's 50 Rupees a word, sir,' the clerk replied politely.
'Fine,' said Santa Singh after a moment. 'Okay then, write this down: 'Banta - dead'.'
'That's all?' asked the clerk disbelievingly.
'That's it.'
'I'm sorry sir, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum.'
'Yes, you should've,' snapped the Santa. Now let me think a minute... okay, here goes: Banta dead. Maruti for Sale.'
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Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, 'Head up or head down?'
'Head up,' said the doctor.
'Blindfold or no blindfold?'
'No blindfold.'
So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck.
Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.
Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.
'Head up or head down?' said the executioner.
'Head up.'
'Blindfold or no blindfold?'
'No blindfold.'
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.
Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.
'Head up or head down?'
'Head up.'
'Blindfold or no blindfold?'
'No blindfold.'
So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out: 'WAIT! I see what the problem is!'
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Santa Singh had been a sick man and was in the hospital, near death. The family called in Banta Singh, his best friend to stand with him.
As Banta stood next to the bed, Santa's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Santa used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.
Banta thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Santa had died.
He said, 'You know, Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing him, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.'
He opened the note, and read, 'Please step to your left - you're standing on my oxygen tube!'
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An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in India when a young Indian lawyer approached him and asked, 'Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?'
When told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Hindi. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.
'No, no,' he replied. 'We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks.'
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One Bengali Babu went to Cannought Place in New Delhi to purchase an umbrella. He had been told in Calcutta that one could bargain for better prices in Delhi also. Bengali Baboo: How much does this umbrella cost?
Shopkeeper: Rs. 200
Bengali Babu: Can I have it for Rs. 100?
Shopkeeper: Ok I'll give it to you for Rs.150.
Bangali Babu: Well can I have it for Rs. 75 then?
Shopkeeper: OK, take it for Rs. 100.
Bangali Babu: Can I have it for Rs. 50?
The shopkeeper is pretty angry now: Why don't you take it for free??!!
Bengali Babu: OK, can I have two of them?
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Laloo Yadav was at a convention about the paranormal, ghosts, strange happenings and the people who had experienced them.
After a while, the speaker asked the people in attendance, 'How many people have actually seen a ghost?'
Almost all the people in the room raised their hands.
A short time later, he asked, 'How many people here have actually communicated with a ghost?'
About a third of the room raised their hands to answer.
Then finally, the speaker asked, 'How many of you have made love to a ghost?'
This time, only Laloo raised his hand. The speaker was shocked and walked upto Laloo and asked 'You have actually made love to a ghost?!'
Laloo replied, 'GHOST?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!'
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The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.
After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.
The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.
The clerk replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!
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A guy and his girlfriend were going on a romantic long drive. Suddenly, the guy, who is driving the car pulls up on the side of the highway and starts to take his clothes off.
His girlfriend asks, 'What are you doing? What if someone sees us here?'
The guys tells her, 'If you want we can go under the car and have our fun.' She agrees, but asks, 'What if someone sees us below the car?'
The guy tells her, 'Then we can tell them that we are checking for a leak in the gas tank.'
So under the car they go, and have the time of their life. Some time later a cop comes and shouts to the couple, 'What the hell do you think you are doing?'
So the couple give him the answer saying, 'We are checking for a leak in the gas tank.'
The cop shouts back at them, 'You should have checked your brakes first. You car has rolled down the slope!'
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Gopi and Ramu were out cutting wood, and Ramu accidentally cut his arm off. Gopi wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Ramu to a surgeon.
The surgeon said 'You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours.'
So Gopi left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said 'I got done quicker than I expected. Ramu is down at the movies.' Gopi went to the movies and there was Ramu, clapping at the screen.
A few weeks later, Gopi and Ramu were cutting wood again, and Ramu cut his leg off. Gopi put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Ramu back to the surgeon.
The surgeon said 'No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours.'
Gopi left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said 'I finished early, Ramu's down at the soccer field.' Gopi went down to the soccer field and there was Ramu, kicking goals.
A few weeks later, Ramu had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Gopi put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Ramu to the surgeon.
The surgeon looked at the situation and said 'Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours.'
So Gopi left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully 'I'm sorry, Ramu died.'
Gopi said 'I understand - heads are tough.'
The surgeon said, 'Oh no! The surgery went fine! Ramu suffocated in that plastic bag.'
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Once Santa and Banta happened to be together in Delhi. Having excursion tickets, they boarded a DTC double decker. Banta, finding no vacant seat in the lower deck, went to the upper deck and took a seat.
He was surprised to see that there was no driver in the upper deck. Showing his anxiety, he asked Santa if there was a driver in the lower deck.
Promptly came the reply that there was indeed a driver.
Banta than said, 'Utte te wahe guru challanda pia hia!' (God is driving this upper deck himself).
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Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Santa Singh, Banta Singh and Ghanta Singh. Ghanta falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Banta says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife about the tragedy!'
Santa says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, Santa Singh comes back waving a 500-Rupee note. Banta says, 'Where did you get that five hundred bucks, Santa?'
'Ghanta's wife gave it to me!'
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the 500 rupees?'
Santa says, 'Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Ghanta Singh's widow.' She said, ''No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'Want to bet me 500 rupees?'
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There where 3 nuns on a train and they had been bored with the rather long journey. They decided to pass time by sharing with each other what were the greatest sins that each one indulged in.
The first with a shy smile whispered, 'My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of course I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin!'
The second turned to the others and said, 'My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week!'
The third nun was sitting there very quiet. The other nuns turned to her and said, 'Come-on, we told you our worst sins, what is yours??'
The third nun smiled, 'My greatest sin is that I gossip a lot and I can't wait to get off this train!'
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Narasimha Rao, Mulayam Singh Yadav and Laloo Yadav died and reach hell. All 3 of them desperately feel like talking to their family members. So, when Yamaraj asks them for one last wish they say that they would want to make a phone call to their respective houses.
Yamaraj says, 'OK, but you will be charged at international rates for the phone call!'.
Next they make a phone call each and are then given their bill. Narasimha Rao's bill will read Rs. 50,000, Mulayam Singh's, Rs. 45,000 and Laloo's bill Rs. 1.50.
Narasimha Rao and Mulayam Singh are pretty upset and think this is unfair, 'How could you charge him just Rs. 1.50?'.
Yamaraj replies, 'That's because from hell to Bihar it's only a local call.'
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Laloo Prasad Yadav is getting shaved by his new barber, when he mentions about the problems he had getting a close shave around the cheeks.
'I have just the thing to solve that problem,' says the barber taking a small wooden ball from his box, 'Just place this between your cheek and gum.' Laloo places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave Laloo has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, Laloo asks in garbled speech, 'And what if I swallow it?'
'No problem,' says the barber. 'Just give it back to me tomorrow like everyone else does.'
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Once a man went to a pet shop to buy a talking parrot. He saw a parrot with a red string tied to one of his legs and a blue one to the other. He asks the shopkeeper, 'What are these strings for?'
The shopkeeper replies, 'If you pull the red string, the parrot speaks French and if you pull the blue one he speaks English!'
The man asks,'Wow! And what if I pull both the strings?'
The parrot screams from the cage, 'I'll fall down, stupid!'
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Ram, Shaam and Billu, three friends, died and went up to God. God said that they could stay in Heaven only if they did not eat the apples from the sacred tree.
After a while, Ram got greedy and ate an apple. God summoned him.
Ram said, 'God please forgive me and let me stay in heaven.' God replied, 'OK, but you will have to sleep with your new wife every 12 hours.'
Ram was happy only to find his new wife was uglier than a frog.
Meanwhile, Shaam also ate an apple thinking God was too busy but he too was summoned.
God said, 'Shaam, I did not expect this from you, but you have to be punished. You have to sleep with your wife every 6 hours.' Shaam's wife was uglier than the Ram's wife.
Billu was happy in heaven and never dared go near the tree. One day he was summoned by God and Billu was scared. God pointed to a beautiful woman and said, 'This is your wife and you can sleep with her anytime.'
Billu replied, 'But I have done nothing good to deserve this beautiful woman.'
God says, 'Yes, but this time, she ate the apple!'
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Rabri was walking on a beach when she found a bottle. She opened it to see what was inside. Out came a Genie with three wishes as usual.
Genie: You can have any three wishes. But remember whatever you ask, your husband will get the same thing ten times more.
Rabri: Make me the most beautiful woman on earth.
Genie: Remember that Laloo will get the same treatment, ten times. All the girls will be after him.
Rabri: That's all right. Where will Laloo go? After all I will be the most beautiful woman, so he will always be running after me.
The Genie waves his hand and Rabri becomes the most beautiful woman on earth.
Genie: What is your next wish?
Rabri: Make me the richest woman on earth.
Genie: Remember that Laloo will get ten times what you get.
Rabri: That's all right. All that's his is mine anyway.
The Genie again waves his hand and it is done.
Genie: What is your third wish?
Rabri: Give a mild heart attack.
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Santa, Banta and Ghanta Singh were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down. Because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey. Santa Singh took the radiator, Banta Singh took the seat, and Ghanta took the door.
After walking for a while the Banta asked Santa, 'I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?'
The Santa responded, 'If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid.'
Santa then asked the Banta, 'Why did you bring the seat?'
Banta replied, 'If I get tired, I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat.'
Finally, both asked the Ghanta Singh why he had chosen the door.
Ghanta quickly responded to the question with a smile, 'Well, when I shall feel the need to get some breeze in this heat all I have to do is roll down the window.'
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An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.'
Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'
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Once a priest says to his three sons, 'Today you can commit as many sins as you like, but you must come back and drink the holy water and be purified again!' So they all go off and commit their sins.
When they come back the father asks the 1st son what he did. The son replies, 'Father forgive me! I smoked, drank alcohol and took hard drugs.'
The father says, 'Never mind son just drink the holy water and you'll be pure again!' So the son takes a good swill of the holy water.
Next the second son recounts his events, 'Father forgive me for I committed much sins, I killed numerous people & animals and set buildings on fire, I robbed banks and stole cars!'
The father says, 'Never mind son, just drink the holy water and you'll be forgiven!' So he takes a good drink from the bowl and quenches his thirst.
The father looks at the 3rd son and asks, 'Son what sin did you commit?'
The third son replies, 'I pissed in the holy water!!!'
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Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. God asks all of them, 'When you are lying there after the accident and friends and family are mourning and crying, what would you have liked to hear them say about you?'
The first guy says, 'I would liked to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.'
The second guy says, 'I would have liked to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.'
The last guy, a sardarji replies after much thought, 'I would have liked to hear them say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!'
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Santa Singh was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money. Finally, Santa decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again.
He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself. So, one day, on the way home from work Santa took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.
The next afternoon Santa went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.
'Well,' explained Santa, 'I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!'
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A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.' He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero'
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.' Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The man said, 'Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.'
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As the crowded elevator descended down Bihar Bhavan, Rabri Devi became increasingly furious with her husband, Laloo Yadav, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young girl. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the beautiful girl suddenly whirled, slapped Laloo, and said, 'That will teach you to pinch!'
Bewildered, Laloo Yadav was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, 'I... I... didn't pinch that girl.'
'Of course you didn't,' said Rabri, consolingly. 'I did.'
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At 11.55pm, Banta Singh was watching television at home. He began to get nervous because it was almost 12pm. He was worried that stupid things done by sardarjis would soon start being reported on TV.
He wondered how he could stop this? Switching off his TV was not enough, since all his neighbours would be watching and they would get to see any reports that came up on TV.
So Banta got up and rushed out. Posing a TV repairman, he went to twelve of neighbours houses and damaged their TV sets.
When he returned to home his TV ws showing the news: 'Mad Sardarji causes havoc in neigbourhood!'.
Banta felt quite pleased with himself, 'Good thing I destroyed all those TV sets! I knew this was going to happen!'
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, little Santa Singh stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Santa?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
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Hari and Gani walked toward each other on a country road. Hari carried a burlap bag over his shoulder. 'Hey Bhai,' Gani drawled, 'What's in the bag?'
'Chickens,' was the reply.
'If I guess how many, can I have one?'
'You can have both of them.'
'OK, Five?'
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