Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking? 'He must be mad at me.'
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket-knife or your teeth.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
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