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Articles: Humour | Have some more Fun...........
- Prof. 00782 Maverick
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Jonah and the whale A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
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An attractive young girl, accompanied by her ugly old aunt entered the doctor's office. 'We have come for an examination' said the young girl. 'Alright,' said the doctor. 'Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.' 'No, not me' said the girl. 'it's my old aunt who's here for the examination.' 'Very well. Madam, put your tongue out.'
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An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, 'I'd like to have some birth control pills.' Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, 'Excuse me but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?' The woman responded, 'They help me sleep better.' The doctor thought some more and continued, 'How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?' The woman said, 'I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night.'
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Once Santa Singh, Banta Singh & Ghanta Singh run away from jail they run and hide themselves into three jute bags. The policeman comes & kicks the 1st bag, Santa Singh says 'meow meow.' The policeman thinks it's a cat. The policeman kicks the 2nd bag, Banta Singh says 'bow wow.' The policeman thinks it's a dog. The policeman finally kicks the third bag, Ghanta Singh says 'Potatoes potatoes!' So the policeman takes the three back to jail!
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Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Punjab, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man. 'This is man was a lucky guy,' he says. 'He died of shock after winning 20 lakhs in a lottery.' He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. 'This was a good man,' the coroner says with a grin. 'He died while doing 'it' with his wife.' Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. 'This is Santa Singh,' says the coroner. 'He died after being struck by lightning.' 'Well,' asks the detective, 'Why in hell was the fool smiling?' 'Oh,' says the coroner. 'He thought he was having his picture taken!'
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Santa Singh sees lot of guys running on the highway. He asks a bystander why all of the guys were running. The man answers: 'They're all running in the marathon race.' Santa Singh: 'What do they get from that?' The man : 'The winner will get a prize!' Santa Singh: 'Then why are the others running?'
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Santa Singh is walking down a creek. While he's looking around he notices Banta Singh walking along the other side of the creek. He yells to Banta Singh. 'Hey, how do I get to the other side?' Banta replies, 'You are on the other side!'
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This dumb guy walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter. Once he gets to the head of the line, he loudly says, 'I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke.' The librarian looks at him for a moment. Then whispers, 'Mister, this is the library.' The man nods. Then he WHISPERS, 'I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke.'
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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.' The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door.'
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Santa Singh dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. Santa says, 'Who is this?' 'This is the maid.', answered the woman. 'We don't have a maid!' 'I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.' 'Well, this is her husband. Is she there?' 'Ummm.... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just thought was her husband.' Santa is fuming. He says to the maid, 'Listen, would you like to make Rs 1 Lakh?' 'What do I have to do?' 'I want you to get my gun from my desk in the study and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with.' The maid puts down the phone. Santa hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. 'What should I do with the bodies?' 'Throw them in the swimming pool!' 'What?! There's no pool here?' Long pause. Then Santa says, 'Uh... I think... I got the wrong number...'
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Sometime into the future Laloo Yadav is dead and has left his wife behind. Rabri was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance. Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, 'Rabriji! This is meeee...' 'Laloo,' she answered. 'I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?' 'Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined,' Laloo answered. 'The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over.' 'Thank God, you made it to heaven,' his wife cried. 'Heaven?' he answered. 'What heaven? I'm a cow in Bihar!'
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Three weeks after her wedding day, Jaspinder called her father. 'Daddy,' she wailed, 'Santa and I had a DREADFUL fight!' 'Calm down, my child,' said her father, 'it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!' 'I know, I know!' said Jaspinder. 'But what am I going to do with the BODY?'
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A cheerful sardarji truck driver pulled up at a roadside dhaba in the middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking young men on motorcycles roared up - rich looking kids driving up from nearby Delhi. For no reason at all, they selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head, another stole his tandoori chicken, the third deliberately tipped his tea over. The sardarji never said one word, just stood up, paid his bill, and left. 'Saala, that sardarji wasn't much of a fighter,' sneered one of the young goons to the owner of the dhaba. The dhaba owner, peering out into the night, added, 'He doesn't seem to be much of a truck driver, either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles.'
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A man is talking to God and asks him: 'God, why did you make woman so beautiful?' To which God replies: 'so that you would find them attractive.' The the man asks:'God, but why did you have to make them so dumb?' To which God replies: 'so that they would find you attractive!'
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A Sardar, a Japanese, and a Britisher were shipwrecked on a deserted island. One day they came upon an old lamp buried in the sand. As they brushed the sand from the lamp a Genie appeared and said 'I'll give each of you one wish.' All three were very happy! The japanese said 'I wish I was home!' PUFF and he was gone! The britisher said 'I wish I was home!' PUFF and he too was gone. The sardar said 'Boy is it lonely here! I wish my friends were here!'
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Santa Singh was telling his son about his days as a famous boxer. 'The bell rang and we met in the center of the ring. I threw a left hook, and he got me with a right cross. It was brutal.' The son was proud of his father's courage. 'Then in the second round I took a couple of shots, but held my ground. By the third round I had my opponent worried.' 'Did you really?' his son asked. 'You bet, he thought that he had killed me.'
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. God said, 'Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.' So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent out e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They made cards. They did every known job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up a lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And of course the electricity went off. Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved. All to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit the rains stopped and the electricity came back on. Satan screamed, 'I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus' work?' Jesus just sat and smiled. Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed and when he pushed 'print' it was all there. 'How did he do it?' Satan asked. God smiled and said, 'Jesus Saves.'
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Santa and Banta Singh were very fond of cricket. They would go to every game that happened in their city. One day Santa Singh died in a car accident while he was on his way to a cricket game. A few days later he came to visit his friend Banta in a dream. Banta asked Santa if heaven was good. Santa replied that it was better than being on Earth. Banta Singh wanted to know if there was cricket in Heaven. Santa Singh said, 'Well, I have good news and bad news for you.' Banta asked, 'What's the good news?' 'Well, Banta, yes there is cricket in Heaven!' 'What's the bad news?' 'The bad news is you are opening batsman in tomorrow's game!'
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Santa Singh and Banta Singh were walking through the bazaar when they spotted Santa's girl-friend walking hand-in-hand with another guy. Santa just looks the other way and they walk on. Banta Singh was startled to see the easy way Santa Singh was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with someone else. 'What's wrong with you? This is the third time we've spotted her with another man and yet you don't do anything? You should have gone out and hit that man in the jaw!' 'I'm waiting,' Santa said. 'Waiting for what?' asked Banta. 'Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy.'
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Two farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying two Rupees apiece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the SAME price they'd paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realise they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with. 'See!' said one. 'I told you we should have got a bigger truck.'
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One day, after Laloo Yadav had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, 'You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?' 'Well,' he said, 'I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.' 'That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?' 'Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2.'
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A man died and went to into the skies. Yamraj met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, 'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?' The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!' 'I'm impressed,' Yamraj responded, 'When did this happen?' 'About two minutes ago,' came the reply.
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A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?' His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'
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Santa Singh walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs him that he's too drunk and he could not serve him anything. Santa is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the Santa Singh stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and asks him to leave. Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and if he doesn't leave he would call the police! Santa looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries 'MAN! How many bars do you work at?'
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A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. 'Where are you going?' he asked. 'To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!' The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. 'What do you think you are doing?' she screamed. 'Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!'
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A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group. The bus arrives. The blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus. As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, 'You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?' The blind man retorts: 'If you'd put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be on that bus.'
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Ghanta Singh was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. Ghanta had just bought another large beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, he wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said: 'I spit in my beer.' When Ghanta Singh returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer: 'I spit in your beer too!'
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A man with a terrible sore throat walks into a pharmacy and asks the chemist if he can give him something to relieve it, and the chemist says: 'Well, I could give you any number of things but they won't really do you much good. However, I can tell you what I do when I have a bad sore throat like you have.' 'Really? What's that?' asks the man. 'I go straight home and have sex with my wife. I suggest you try that.' 'Sounds great!' says the man, 'Is your wife home now?'
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A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. 'Of course Darling.' she replied. And so they have sex. Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, 'you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?' Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex. Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, 'You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?' By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees. After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, 'Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?' Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, 'You know.. you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!'
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Each morning the man was enraged that the tea cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the tea delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. None of the man's yelling and insults produced a full cup of tea, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less tea. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of tea that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The man couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. 'Oh, there's not much to it,' admitted the clerk happily, 'I take some tea in my mouth right outside the kitchen, and spit it back in when I get outside your office!'
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A man got a call from his doctor who said 'I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?'The man says 'The bad news.' The doctor says 'The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!' The man exclaimed 'What could be more terrible than that!!??'The doctor replied 'we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!'
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A man complained to his co-worker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday. 'She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes.' 'Here's an idea,' said the colleague. 'Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted.' The next day, the colleague asked, 'Well? Did you take my suggestion?' 'Yes,' replied the man. 'Did she like it?' 'Oh, yes! She jumped up kissed me on the forehead, and ran out of the door yelling, 'See you in 30 minutes!''
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An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. 'Am I glad to see you,' he said, 'I've been lost for three days!' 'Don't get too excited, friend,' the other hunter replied. 'I've been lost for three weeks.'
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The attractive young thing was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears. 'I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me,' she said between sobs. 'I'm really not that kind of girl!' 'I believe you,' her date said, as he tried to comfort her. 'You're the first one,' she gulped.'The first one to make love to you?' he asked. 'No!' she replied. 'The first one to believe me.'
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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, 'How was the honeymoon?' 'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...' Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!' Her mother said, 'Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?' Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!'
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At the end of the Cricket World Tournament the Indian manager decided to address the players. 'Guys out of 10 teams we finished at the bottom, that's pretty bad.' 'It could have been worse,' Sehwag said. 'How so?' asked the manager. 'There could have been more teams.'
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A census taker in a rural Indian village went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, 'Lets see now, there's the twins, Ballu and Lallu, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seeta and Geeta, they're sixteen. And the twins, Ram and Shyam, they're fourteen.' 'Hold on!' said the census taker, 'Did you get twins every time?' The woman answered, 'Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get anything!'
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Santa Singh, Banta Singh, and Ghanta Singh escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the Santa, 'Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!' Santa jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away... Santa slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. 'C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Banta. 'Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!' says Banta. 'No! We like you! Just jump!' 'OK' says Santa and jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and he's flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, Ghanta steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell 'Jump! You have to jump!' 'No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!' yelled Ghanta. 'No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!' 'Look,' Ghanta Singh says, 'nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...'
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Gullu Bhai was sitting on his porch, when this man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. 'What can I do for you?' Gullu politely asked. 'Are you selling something?' 'No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker.' 'A what?' 'A Census Taker. We're trying to find out how many people there are in India.' 'You're wasting your time here. I have no idea.'
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Newlyweds Santa Singh and Jaspinder were on their honeymoon trip and were driving down in their car to Chandigarh from their little town in Punjab. They are nearing Chandigarh when Santa Singh puts his hand on Jaspinder's knee. Giggling, Jaspinder says shyly, 'Oye Santaji, you can go farther than that if you want to.' So Santa Singh drives to Shimla.
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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!' 'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.' 'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.' 'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!' 'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.' 'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.' 'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!'
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'Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?' the suspicious wife sneered. 'No, I can't,' the husband replied. 'I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.'
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A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said: 'If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: 1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast. 2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. 3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. 4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal. 5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day. 6. Don't discuss your problems with him. 7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.' On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. 'You're going to die' she replied.
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Three professors had walked down to the train station from the University. They were so absorbed in their conversation that they didn't hear the train arrive, but they did notice the noise of the train as it started to depart. After a desperate rush two of them manage to scramble onboard. The third looked sad and a passing railway official said, 'Don't feel bad, atleast two out of three of you made it.' 'True.', sighed the professor, 'But the other two were only here to see me off!'
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Santa and Banta Singh rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?' 'Ten lakh Rupees!' 'Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?' 'I bought a house. How about your sack?' 'Bah... it was full of bills.' 'And what did you do with them?' 'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'
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Little Lalloo was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother. 'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?'
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