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Articles: Humour | Out Door: Hunting/Fishing
- Prof. 00782 Maverick
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A Boy and his Baby Sister
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
'I'll never do that again!' he told his mother that evening. 'I didn't catch a thing!'
'Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away,' his mother said.
The boy said, 'It wasn't that. She ate all the bait.'
***
Bear with me
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. As the sound of the rifle shot faded away, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, 'You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.'
***
Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, where he found the black bear and shot it. As the sound of the rifle shot faded away, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.'
***
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly, and shot it. He felt sweet revenge. As the sound of the rifle shot faded away, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, 'Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
***
Chased by the Bear
Once there were these two backpackers who see a bear begin to charge them so one backpacker takes off his hiking boots and puts on running shoes.
His companion says, 'you'll never outrun the bear, why are you putting those on?'
The guy with the running shoes replies, 'I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you.'
***
Five Doctors go Hunting
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
'I'm not quite sure it's a duck,' he said, 'I think that I will have to get a second opinion.' And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. 'I'll have to do some more investigations,' he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.
'Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?' The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
'Go see if that was a duck, will you?'
***
Got all the Equipment
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading my book,' she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'
'You're in a restricted fishing area,' he informs her.
'But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?'
'But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that I will charge you with rape,' snaps the irate woman.
'I didn't even touch you,' grouses the sheriff.
'Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment...'
***
Mother in Law and the Lion
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, 'What are we going to do?'
'Nothing,' said the hunter husband. 'The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.'
***
Puppies with a Pink Nose
A bather found herself minus the top of her bathing suit after a dive. Stricken with embarrassment, she climbs out of the pool, her arms crossed in front of her chest.
She had almost made it to the dressing rooms unnoticed when a small boy stood in her path and said, 'Lady, if you're giving away those puppies, could I have the one with the pink nose?'
***
Redneck Fishermen
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, 'Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?'
The other guy says, 'Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!'
***
The Skiing Trip
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
'I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Not to worry,' Peter said, 'we'll be happy to sleep in the barn.'
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?'
'Yes, I do.'
'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?'
'Yes, I have to admit that I did.'
'Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned red and he said, 'Yeah, I'm afraid I did.'
'Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!'
***
Went for a Dive
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible,' said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
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