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General Forum: Offbeat n Jokes | | Comedy Central | |
| A friend of mine sent this to me today:
Half-baked headlines
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Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers
Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
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Letters to the Landlord
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"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is
cleared."
"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my
wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
"The toilet seat is cracked: Where do I stand?"
"Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page
pensioner and need it straight away."
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next
door."
"The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous."
"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
"Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a
third, so will you please send someone to do something about it."
"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not
fit to drink."
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
"Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe
stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us."
Posted by: Malakpet Rowdy At: 24, Mar 2005 2:38:46 AM IST
Newton & Rajnikanth Story:
Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.
In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes
1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long Live Rajanikanth!
2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife. Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the
middle gangster? & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.
3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah? not even in your remotest imaginations.
He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... the gangster dies...
This was too much for our Newton to take!
He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics.
The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast! The 'climax' finally arrives.
Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax.
(Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?)
Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.
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Newton commits suicide.
Posted by: Ever Green At: 10, Mar 2005 10:14:36 PM IST
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" The doctor asked. No, you idiot! The man shouted, "This is her husband!"
Posted by: Ever Green At: 10, Mar 2005 2:15:56 AM IST
Enjoy this one:
3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
Posted by: Ever Green At: 10, Mar 2005 1:40:16 AM IST
Here is another one :)
Five Cannibals:
Five cannibals(Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says : "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developer has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the developer?" One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything,and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working."
Posted by: Ever Green At: 9, Mar 2005 8:17:21 PM IST
Hi Friends,
I thought of opening a separate comedy track for members of TeluguPeople, so coming up with this new thread, where we can post jokes or comedy cartoons.
I know people come to this TP, to have some relief from their daily activities, so I request those who r interested to post good jokes.
Here are some sardhar jokes, these are basically to make you laugh, but not to insult any person, community, religion or anything of that sort.
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A Sardar went 2 a Bank to open a S.B. A/C. After seeing the Form He had gone to DELHI for filling up. Guess y?
Form says " FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".
A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered huge Loss. Do u know what the business was?
He opened a Saloon in Punjab!.
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up and said, we must find & stop her!
Sardar: why r all these people running?
Man : This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar:If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?
Sardar had twins
He named them Tin Martin.
again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.
again twins & named Max & Climax.
again d same. disgusted Sardar named them TIRED & RETIRED!
19 Sardars went for a film. On asking them why they came in a big group of 19?
They replied that the film was only for ABOVE 18
A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function, suddenly all relatives of the dead beat him why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar:The future tense is "u will go to jail".
Sardar gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this.
Sardar:"I've been promoted as branch
manager."
Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth................. WHY?
Because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should be light"
Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes!
Sardar & Family goes to a party. He introduces himself - I Sardar, She Sardarnee, The Boy my KID & The Girl my KIDNEY....
One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. You Know why ?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...
Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It"s already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.
On a romantic date, Sardars girl friend asks
him, Darling on our engagement will you give me a RING ?
He said ya sure, Whats your phone number
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.
Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs.20 lottery ticket.
Dealer gave 11 cr after deducting tax. Angry Sardar: Give me 20 crore or else return my 20 rupees back.!
Postman: I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: Why did u come so far. Instead u
could have posted it....
What does a sardar do after taking a xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes.
Sardar proposed a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1yr elder to you'.....Sardar said 'Oye No Problem Soniye,I'll marry you NEXT YEAR.
Why can't sardars dial nine-eleven (911) at
EMERGENCY?
They cannot find the ELEVEN on the phone
A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How will u divide, u have 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply NEXT YEAR
Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call Modern art ??
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning.
Sardarji replied 'Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM'.
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing ?
He said-im seeing how i look while sleeping.
Posted by: Ever Green At: 9, Mar 2005 2:04:28 AM IST
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