Discussion on Offbeat n Jokes in General Forum at TeluguPeople.com

paata jOkulu Revisited

How some Indian marriages start -- The awkward first phone call --------------------------------------------------------------- The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in New York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in Chicago. Monday night, 10 pm Girl: Hello? Boy: (Shit, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---? Girl: Speaking. Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am- (God, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!) Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right? Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a fucking relief. I wonder what she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!" God, she probably hates me already!) Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number. (I can't believe he actually called!) Boy: So, how are you? Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you, but do you want to be wife?) Girl: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great fucking start) Boy: I'm good.(Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're an investment banker? (Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad conversationalist and an idiot!) Girl: Yes. Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work? Girl: Merrill Lynch. Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron. I should just hang up except my mother would somehow find out and kill me!) Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds like a complete loser) Boy: So...(Stall ,stall!) Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology? (Like my mom didn't tell me that 500 times already!) Boy: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, I'm in my second year. (Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you drink and have sex? Cause if you want to marry me, you can't be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who think if they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way) So, what do you like to do in your free time? Girl: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends, go to movies. Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY? Girl: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some religious freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can go to clubs and not drink...) Oh, sometimes we go to the movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good... (That was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not really into them...) Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really religious she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also. Girl: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that stiff!) So where do you hang out in Boston? Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!) Umm, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that. Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should explore this further...) Are there any good bars in Boston? Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not a huge drinker, but I like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic - pretty good, if I do say so myself!) Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool. But if he's so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have a girlfriend? Or not need to call random girls his mother tells him about? God, what if he's completely ugly? Or has never been kissed?) Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out. Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder if she's butt) Girl: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life reference- another good sign. I just wish I knew what he looked like...) So... Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there's only one way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little crazy, but I'm visiting some friends in NYC next weekend and I wonder if you'd want to get together for coffee sometime. Girl: (Coffee. That's totally safe. If he's totally nasty I can have a quick espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great. Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee's pretty harmless. And who knows, maybe she'll be cool. Now I have to get the hell out of this conversation...) So I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and we can figure it out? Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for e-mail!) Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at work, so- (God, this is getting painful) Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon.(Meaning in two days cause I don't want to look too desperate, but at the same time I don't want to look like I'm trying not to look too desperate) Girl: Cool. Well, I'm glad you called. (I think...) Boy: Me too. Well, I'll see you soon.(Please be hot, please be hot!) Girl: Alright. Bye. (I can't believe he called! Too late to back out now. Besides, maybe he's cool. He didn't sound so bad on the phone. I really hope he's not a virgin.) Boy: Bye.(I did it! I am the man. I think she wants me. Yeah, she definitely wants me..... )

Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 20, May 2006 10:57:36 AM IST

prEma lEkhalu http://discussion.telugupeople.com/discussion/index.asp?page=1&board=-3&topicCode=26&isClosed=0&tc1=3106&tc2=0&topic=%23tel+praemalaekha%21+%23tel

Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 20, May 2006 10:53:24 AM IST

Indian Film Stars and their Answering Machines ---------------------------------------------- Amitabh - Han han mein chor hun, mein bazar mein kaladhandha karta hun, police ke record mein mera naam hai. Lekin mein akela nahin hun. Jao pahle ush admi ko msg de kar aao jisne mera baap ko chor kaha tha; Jao pahle ush admi ko msg de kar aao jisne meri maa ko gali deke naukri se nikal diya tha; jao pahle ush aadmi ko msg de kar aao jisne mere haath me yeh likh diya tha; Uske BAAD, Uske baad mere bhai tum jab chahoge tab mere m/c mein msg de dena. Dharmendra - Kutte Kaminey, Agar tuune apni maa ki doodh piya hai to message chodde, warana mein tujhe jinda nahin chodunga. AJIT's voicemail - Sari duniya mujhe white LION ke naamse janti hai, jabtak tum messages chhodoge hum bharat se bahut dur ja chuke honge, robert helicopter chalu karo !! Ajit : "Smart move". Phone kiya aapne baaahot aaachha kiya Apka nam chod dijiye aur Mona apka phone louta degi ! Please Hiron ki aawaj sunte hi record karna ! Shatru : jis haram-zade ne call kiya hain ... mein us haram-zade ko zinda nahi chodunga... jaan se maar dunga Shatru - AAahoy ! Ye Chenu ka answering m/c hai ! Seedhi taraha se message chhod de warna mai teri haddi pasli ek kardunga, ! haaa Shatru - Apne Mangal ko phone kiya hai, koi phate hue tash ke tirpanve patte ko nahin ! Nam chod dena Ham patta khud jaan lenge ! Raj Kumar : Jaani. Shisheke gharome rahane wale pathar nahi pheka karate.Tum pathar mat pheko message chodo. Hum jara jaldi me hai. Jaani yeh answering machine koi bacchon ka khel nahi. hum ko mita sake woh tumahre msg mein dum nahi.... hum se hain ye m/c .. m/c se hum nahi.... Pran - PATHAN ki ansering m/c.... HUM tereku bola msg chod de warna hum pathan ka baccha tumara tangdi tod dega Prem chopra - hum woh hain jo shishe ko patthar se katate hain.... aaapke msg ki iit ka jawab patthar se denge.... BTW: Mera Naam hai Pre'm, He he Pre'm Chopra KESTO - Ihhhiyaa ! saale message Chhod ! nahi to Batli de !! Ihhhiyaa! Jaldi kar HICH ! Apun ko janeka hai Ihhhiyaa ! ! hick! aay . hick! ye ansering hick! machine hick! msg .. Asrani - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAA ! Phone kiya ! Tune phone kiya RRRRREEEEEE! Message rakh ! AAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAA ! Asrani -- adhe log 1 press karo.. adhe log 2 press karo... baki msg rakho.hum angrezon ke zamane ke jailar hain hA HAAAAAAA.. msg angrezimein rakho.. HA HAAAAAAA BINDU - Mera nam hai shabnam, pyar se log mujhe SHABBO kehate hai...Tumhara naan kya hai !! Tina Mina, Anju, Manju Yaaa Madhuuu. Shakti - aaauu lalita, Message chhod deee ! warna teri maa ki jaaan ....Aaaauu lalita !! mera naam Balma... badriparsad lalanparsad malapani... balma..Pyarasa... Nanhasa.. Chotasa ....Balmaa. Aur mere kane Chaku hai? Jeevan - Ooouuum ! Kya bandar ki tarah msg chodta hai tum ! Kya is m/c me koi ladki hai kyaaa ! Mehmood - Kya bula tu. Mereku kya bola tu. Seedhi tarah se message rakhaneko bola ... Aur tum muh pe kuphal daal kai baithta kya Mehmood2 - ayyo dyevi . tum kitna khoobsoorat msg chchodta ji.. Aum yakdam pagal O jata ji, Aiyo Wanga, Ider Aana, ayyo BinduSSS Gabbar - soovar ke bachcho . main ghar mein nahi hu. ab tera kya hoga re kalia? raat ko jab tej tej phone ki ghanti bajti hai to maa kehti hai msg chchod beta varna gabbar nahi sunega ... Yaad rahe Yaha se 50 50 mil ki doori par jab koi baccha rota hai to maa kahati hai "beta so ja nahi to gabbar singh ka voice mail Bolega...." Basanti -yun ki hume jaada bukbuk karne ki aadat to hai nahi . agar mere liye msg hai to 1 dabana. agar mausi ke liye hai to 2 dabana . agar veeru ke liye hai to dono dabana . yun ki hume lamba msg rakhne ki aadat to hai nahi... agar mere liye msg hai...to 1 dabana.......

Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 20, May 2006 10:34:09 AM IST

Kabhi jab tumhara H1 expire ho Green card renewal ka tension shuru ho Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega Tumhare liye || Abhi tumko meri zarurat nahin Bahot bodyshoppers mil jayenge Abhi Y2K ka ek saagar hai USA Jobs jitane chahoge mil jayenge Yeh bodyshoppers tumhe jab satane lage Year 2000 ke problems khatam hone lage Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega Tumhare liye || Tum young ho, nadaan ho, ambitious ho West is the best mein believe karte ho Pata hai ki tumhe mujhase bahut pyar hai Per paisa kamane ki yehi umra hai Prejudice se jab tum tang aane lage Tumhara junior jab tumhara boss bane Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega Tumhare liye || Biwi-bachche to pahale khush hi honge Dishwasher aur microwave ka kamal hai ye Shopping or sightseeing ki enjoyment hongi Heaven on earth ki feeling karib hongi Bahchche jab dating ki shuruat kare Aur biwi Honda chodke Benz maangane lage Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega Tumhare liye ||

Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 20, May 2006 10:32:12 AM IST

While visiting India , George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people. Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !" "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Kalam. He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem. "Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course." Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!".

Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 20, May 2006 10:29:17 AM IST

Sardar car ki battery change karwane gaya ... Mechanic - Sahab, Exide ki daal doon ? Sardar - Nahin yaar, dono side ki daal de, warna phir problem hogi. ************* A sardar on an interview for the post of detective was asked a question - Interviewer - Who killed Gandhiji ? Sardar - Thanks for giving me the job, I will investigate. ************* A Sardar was fond of detective novels, he always read from the middle, why ? Its double interesting. It builds curiosity not only about its end but also its beginning ! ************* Sardar returns book to library, bangs it on table & says - What a ... "I read the whole book, too many character, no story at all" ?. Librarian : So, you are the one who took the Telephone Directory.... ************* 2 Days of Powercut in India made life miserable. Worst affected was Amritsar where all the SARDARS were stuck for 48 hrs. on Escalaters..... ************* Two Sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether it is working. He puts his head out and says - YES..NO..YES..NO..YES..NO ************* Sardarji, tell me ...., what is the meaning of SMS ? Sardar angrily said, i know - it means.... S - Sardaron ke M - Mazak udane ki S - Service ************* Banta : Oye to har SMS ko do baar kyom bhej raha hai ? Santa : Kyunki tujhe agar ek forward karna ho to dusra tere paas rahe !!!

Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 23, Apr 2006 7:52:30 PM IST

The Perfect Husband... Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£70,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Does anyone know to whom this phone belongs to?"

Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 23, Apr 2006 7:25:12 PM IST

COMPUTER PROGRAMMING SONG # Local variable Mein pal do pal ka shayar hoon, pal do pal meri kahani hai pal do pal meri hasti hai.. # Global variable Main har ik pal ka shayar hoon har ik pal meri kahani hai har ik pal meri hasti hai # Null pointers Mera jeevan kora kagaz kora hi reh gaya. # Dangling pointers Maut bhi aati nahi jaan bhi jati nahin. # Goto Ajeeb dastan hai yeh Kahan shuru kahan khatam Ye manzilen hain kaun si Na woh samajh sake na hum # Two Recursive functions calling each other Mujhe kuchh kehna hein mujhe bhi kuchh kehna hein Pehle tum, pehle tum. # The debugger Jab koi baat bigad jaye Jab koi mushkil pad jaye Tum dena saath mera hamnawaz. # From VC++ to VB Yeh haseen vaadiyan Yeh khula asmaan Aa gaye hum kahan. # Untrackable bug Aye ajnabi, tu bhi kabhi, awaaz de kahin se. # Unexpected bug (esp during presentation to client) Ye kya hua, Kaise hua, Kab hua, Kyon hua. # And then to the client Jab hua, Tab hua, O chhodo, ye na socho. # Load Balancing Saathi haath badhana ek akela thak jayega mil kar bojh uthana # Modem ( modem talk on a busy connection) suno - kaho,kaha - suna,kuch huwa kya? abhee to nahin.. # Windows getting open sourced Parde mein rahne do parda na uthao parda jo uth gaya to bhed khul jayeha allah meri tauba, allah meri tauba

Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 23, Apr 2006 7:21:04 PM IST

Ten stupid Questions :D 1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends... Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here? Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here.. 2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet... Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt? Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again. 3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask... Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people. Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you? 4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:- Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good?? Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it. 5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years... Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big. Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself. 6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask... Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good? Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money. 7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call... Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping? Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron. 8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair... Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut? Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding...... 9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth... Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts? Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed. 10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks... Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke. Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 23, Apr 2006 6:40:10 PM IST

Ideal Wife... A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech: My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine." "What do you mean my child ?" asked the patriarch of the family "What I mean dad is: Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account. Those who used to clean should clean. As for me, I'm here just to entertain your son!":D

Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 23, Apr 2006 5:38:19 PM IST

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