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General Forum: Offbeat n Jokes | | Dil's Jokes page | |
| The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 30, Jan 2003 11:06:20 AM IST
Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist's office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions. The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: "Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!"
"Why," exclaimed the woman, "you're absolutely right, doctor!"
Then it was the second woman's turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: "Madam, you're obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!"
"You're right, doctor!" exclaimed the second woman and left.
The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: "What rubbish! I don't believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!"
Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: "Let's go home now Dick."
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 30, Jan 2003 11:04:56 AM IST
Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking."
Patient: "I'll come back when you're sober then!"
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 30, Jan 2003 11:01:46 AM IST
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches.
The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited because they think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, "Why did you put the newspaper down first?"
He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 30, Jan 2003 11:01:18 AM IST
Man: Doctor, me leg keeps talkin' to me.
Doc: Don't be ridiculous!
Leg: Lend us a fiver!
Man: Told ya.
Leg: Giz a tenner!
Doc: My God!
Leg: Eh
Doc, can you spare 20 quid?
Doc: I know your problem. Your leg's broke!
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 30, Jan 2003 11:00:09 AM IST
Hello Dill Ji,
Do you have all your jokes in this article in a single file.
Posted by: Mr. G Ravinder At: 29, Jan 2003 9:40:15 PM IST
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 28, Jan 2003 6:35:14 PM IST
MAKE YOUR THERAPIST PAY WITH THESE HANDY TIPS
1 After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"
2 Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...
3 Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4 Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"
5 Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
6 Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
7 Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
8 Bring pots and pans and bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.
9 Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
10 Sit underneath your chair.
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 28, Jan 2003 6:33:17 PM IST
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 28, Jan 2003 6:30:41 PM IST
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 28, Jan 2003 6:29:21 PM IST
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