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General Forum: Love | | 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter | |
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Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking
anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her
neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter's body, I
will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of
your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear
to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an
insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so
I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and
your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in
fact, come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take
my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let
me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I
will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know
each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other
issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only
information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need
from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as
long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have
gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no
one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should
not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything
softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no
parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where
there is
darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops,
midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies
with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are
okay. Old folks homes are
better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper
coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent
Orange
starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me
to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
your car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter
home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no
need for you to
come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 22, Nov 2002 12:51:49 PM IST
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