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General Forum: Offbeat n Jokes | | Engish a funny language | |
| The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 31, Jan 2003 3:46:19 PM IST
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or piccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course, isn't a race at all).
Posted by: Mr. Funky At: 22, Jan 2003 11:31:05 AM IST
DE CHAOS
Dearest creature in creation,
Studying English pronunciation,
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.
It will keep you susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
Tear in your eye your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer.
Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
Just compare, heart, beard and heard.
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain,
[Mind the latter, how it's written!]
Made has not the sound bade,
Say - said, pay - paid, laid but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague or ague
But be careful how you speak
Say break, steak but bleak and streak,
Previous, precious; fuchsia, via;
Pipe, snipe, recipe and chair,
Cloven, oven, how and low;
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsaild, aisles;
Exhiles, similies, reviles.
[two more pages follow, which would perhaps be too much torture to you, and
which lead to the conclusion: ]
Don't you think so reader, rather,
Saying leather, bather, father?
Finally, which rhymes with 'enough'?
Though, plough,cough, hough or tough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup,
My advice is - give it up!
Posted by: Mr. Funky At: 22, Jan 2003 11:27:49 AM IST
POPULAR JOKE....
PLEASE OPEN THE DOORS OF THE WINDOWS
q) A QUESTIONARE IN A JOB PLACE ASKS...
SALARY EXPECTED: __________
A) YES!!
HEHEHEHEHE...
Posted by: Mr. Sameer At: 22, Jan 2003 5:11:15 AM IST
rofl...yea it is copied n pasted one...I just collect them and post :))))
Posted by: Saleem At: 22, Jan 2003 0:08:39 AM IST
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple... English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
Posted by: Mr. Funky At: 21, Jan 2003 5:59:32 PM IST
He just copied andpasted...big BS!
Posted by: Mr. Funky At: 21, Jan 2003 5:57:54 PM IST
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
Eggplant
or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple...
English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that
quicksand can
work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't
the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people
recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet
that
smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance
and
a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it
out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out,
they
are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why,
when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I
end it?
Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault but the silly
language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going.
Posted by: Saleem At: 17, Jan 2003 1:21:29 PM IST
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