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General Forum: Offbeat n Jokes | | Dil's Jokes page | |
| ... These are all GENUINE replies from patients asked why they needed an ambulance to and from hospital...
=) I am under the doctor and cannot breathe.
=) I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent.
=) I can't breathe and haven't done so for many years.
=) I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer.
=) I am blind in one eye and my leg.
=) I live five miles from the hospital and the postman says I should have it.
=) I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.
=) I must have a man as I cannot go out or do up my suspenders.
=) I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to the hospital is up.
=) My husband is dead and will not bring me.
=) I cannot drive a car as I have not got one.
=) I hope you will send a man as my husband is quite useless.
=) I can come at any time to suit you, but not mornings as I don't feel too
good. I can't come on Mondays or Wednesdays as the home help comes, and not on Fridays as the baker calls for his money. I can't come on Tuesdays as my sister calls.
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 21, Feb 2003 1:19:06 PM IST
A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."
The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".
The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else."
The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."
The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340."
The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the dog."
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 21, Feb 2003 1:15:31 PM IST
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 21, Feb 2003 1:14:47 PM IST
hahahhaha heard it recently
Posted by: Saleem At: 21, Feb 2003 1:14:34 PM IST
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 21, Feb 2003 1:14:28 PM IST
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 21, Feb 2003 1:13:55 PM IST
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 21, Feb 2003 1:13:30 PM IST
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 21, Feb 2003 1:12:46 PM IST
hahahaha @ appendix
Posted by: Saleem At: 21, Feb 2003 1:10:55 PM IST
A patient said to his wife, "I'd like to have a watch that tells me time."
The wife said, "Don't you have a watch that tells time?"
"No," said the patient. "I have to look at it!"
Posted by: Miss Dil At: 21, Feb 2003 1:09:29 PM IST
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