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General Forum: Offbeat n Jokes | | the queer english language | |
| Fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing.
Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.
There is a whole collection of words called "Janus-faced" or "contronym" words.
Examples:
(source "Crazy English" by Richard Lederer)
WITH: a) alongside b) against
a) England fought with France against Germany.
b) England fought with France.
CLIP: a) fasten b) separate
a) Clip the coupon to the newspaper
b) Clip the coupon from the newspaper
FAST: a) firmly in one place b) rapidly from on place to another
a) The pegs held the test fast.
b) She ran fast.
BOLT: a) to secure in place b) to dart away
a) I'll bolt the door.
b) Did you see the horse bolt?
TRIM: a) add things to b) cut away
a) Let's trim the Christmas tree.
b) Let's trim the hedge.
DUST: a) remove material from b) spread material on
a) Three times a week they dust the floor.
b) Three times each season they dust the crops.
WEATHER: a) withstand b) wear away
a) Strong ships weather storms.
b) Wind can weather rocks.
HANDICAP: a) advantage b) disadvantage
a) What's your handicap in golf?
b) His lack of education is a handicap.
COMMENCEMENT: a) beginning b) conclusion
a) Beautiful weather marked the commencement of spring.
b) She won an award at her high school commencement.
HOLD UP: a) support b) hinder
a) Please hold up the sagging branch.
b) Accidents hold up the flow of traffic.
KEEP UP: a) continue to fall b) continue to stay up
a) The farmers hope that the rain will keep up.
b) Damocles hoped that the sword above his head would keep up.
LEFT: a) departed from b) remaining
a) Ten people left the room
b) Five people were left in the room.
DRESS: a) put items on b) remove items from
a) Let's dress for the ball
b) Let's dress the chicken for cooking
TEMPER: a) soften b) strengthen
a) You must temper your anger with reason.
b) Factories temper steel with additives.
CLEAVE: a) separate b) adhere firmly
a) A strong blow will cleave a plank in two.
b) Bits of metal cleave to a magnet.
STRIKE: a) secure in place b) remove
a) Use a firm grip to strike the nail.
b) When the show is over, we'll strike the set.
GIVE OUT: a) produce b) stop producing
a) A good furnace will give out enough energy to heat the house.
b) A broken furnace will often give out.
SANCTION: a) give approval of b) censure
a) The NCAA plans to sanction the event
b) Should our country impose a new sanction on Libya?
SCREEN: a) view b) hide from view
a) Tonight the critics will screen the film.
b) Defensemen mustn't screen the puck.
OVERSIGHT: a) careful supervision b) neglect
a) The foreman was responsible for the oversight of the project.
b) The foreman's oversight ruined the success of the project.
QUALIFIED: a) competent b) limited
a) The candidate for the job was fully qualified.
b) The dance was a qualified success.
MOOT: a) debatable b) not worthy of debate
a) Capital punishment is a moot point.
b) That the earth revolves around the sun is a moot point.
CERTAIN: a) definite b) difficult to specify
a) I am certain about what I want in life.
b) I have a certain feeling about the plan.
MORTAL: a) deadly b) subject to death
a) The knight delivered a mortal blow.
b) All humans are mortal.
BUCKLE: a) fasten together b) fall apart
a) Safe drivers buckle their sear belts.
b) Unsafe buildings buckle at the slightest tremor of the earth.
TRIP: a) to stumble b) to move gracefully
a) Don't trip on the curb.
b) Let's trip the light fantastic.
PUT OUT: a) generate b) extinguish
a) The candle put out enough light for us to see.
b) Before I went to bed, I put out the candle.
UNBENDING: a) rigid b) relaxing
a) On the job Smith is completely unbending.
b) Relaxing on the beach is a good way of unbending.
WEAR: a) endure through use b) decay through use
a) This suit will wear like iron.
b) Water can cause mountains to wear.
SCAN: a) examine carefully b) glance at hastily
a) I scan the poem.
b) Each day, I scan the want ads.
FIX: a) restore b) remove part of
a) It's time to fix the fence.
b) It's time to fix the bull.
SEEDED: a) with seeds b) without seeds
a) The rain nourished the seeded field.
b) Would you like some seeded raisins?
CRITICAL: a) opposed b) essential to
a) Joanne is critical of our effort
b) Joanne is critical to our effort.
THINK BETTER: a) admire more b) be suspicious of
a) I think better of the first proposal than the second.
b) If I were you, I'd think better of that proposal.
TAKE: a) obtain b) offer
a) Professional photographers take good pictures.
b) Professional models take good pictures.
IMPREGNABLE: a) invulnerable to penetration b) able to be impregnated
a) The castle was so strongly built that it was impregnable.
b) Treatments exist for making a childless woman more impregnable.
BELOW PAR: a) excellent b) poor
a) Her below par score won the golf tournament.
b) I'm disappointed in you below par performance on the spelling test.
DOWN HILL: a) adverse b) easy
a) When the source of the capital dried up, the fortunes of the corporation went down hill.
b) After you switch to diet drinks, it will be all down hill for your weight-loss program.
WIND UP: a) start b) end
a) I have to wind up my watch.
b) Now I have to wind up this discussion of curious and contrary contronyms
Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 6, May 2003 2:21:21 PM IST
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 6, May 2003 2:09:23 PM IST
English pronunciation
Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation
I shall teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I shall keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy,
Tear in eye your hair you'll tear,
Queer fair seer, hear my prayer!
Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
Just compare heart, beard and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter, how it's written).
Made has not the sound of bade;
Say, said, pay, paid, laid but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague.
But be careful how you speak,
Say gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak;
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
Recipe, pipe, studding sail, choir;
Woven, oven, how and low;
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, ailes,
Exiles, similes, reviles,
Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining;
Scholar, vicar and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far.
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label,
Petal, penal and canal
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal.
Suit, suite, ruin, circuit, conduit,
Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it".
But is it not hard to tell
Why it's pal, mall, but Pall Mall.
Muscle, muscular, goal, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion;
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Ivy, privy, famous. Clamour
Has the "a" of drachm and hammer.
Fussy, hussy, and possess,
Desert, dessert, address
From desire - desirable, admirable from admire;
Lumber, plumber, bier but brier/briar;
Chatham, brougham, renown but known,
Knowledge, gone, but done and tone!
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading (the town), heathen, Heather.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, mirth, plinth!
Billet does not end like ballet,
Wallet, mallet, bouquet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like good,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Bouquet is not nearly parquet,
Which most often rhymes with khaki.
Discount, viscount, load and broad;
Forward, toward, but reward.
Ricochet, croqueting, croquet.
Right! Your pronunciation's okay.
Sounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Don't forget: It's heave but heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven
We say, hallow, but allow,
People, leopard, tow and vow.
Mark the difference, moreover,
Between, mover, plover, Dover!
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice.
Shoes, goes, does; now first say "finger";
Then say "singer, ginger, linger".
Real, seal; mauve, gauze and gauge.
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth/loath;
Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.
Say "oppugnant" but "oppugns";
Sowing, bowing. Banjo tunes
Sound in yachts or in canoes.
Puisne, truism, use, to use.
Though the difference seems little,
Do say "actual" but "victual".
Seat, sweat, earn; Leigh, light and height,
Put, pus, granite and unite.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffor, Kaffir, zephyr, heifer.
Dull, bull; Geoffrey, late and eight,
Hint but pint, senate, sedate.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas (the state),
Balsam, almond. You want more?
Golf, wolf; countenance; lieutenants
Host in lieu of flags left pennants.
Courier, courtier; tomb, bomb, comb;
Cow but Cowper, some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither devour with clangour.
Soul but foul, and gaunt but aunt;
Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.
Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
Gooseberry, goose, and close but close,
Paradise, rise, rose and dose.
Say inveigh, neigh, and inveigle
make the latter rhyme with eagle.
Mind! Meandering but mean,
Serpentine and magazine.
And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say manifold like many,
Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
Tier (one who ties), but tier.
Arch, archangel! Pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring?
Prison, bison, treasure-trove,
Treason, hover, cover, cove.
Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled.
Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw
Lien, phthisis, shone, bone, pshaw.
Don't be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet - buffet!
Brook, stood, rook, school, wool and stool,
Worcester, Boleyn, foul and ghoul.
With an accent pure and sterling
You say year, but some say yearling.
Evil, devil, mezzotint -
Mind the "z"! (a gentle hint.)
Now you need not pay attention
To such words as I don't mention:
Words like pores, pause, pours and paws
Rhyming with the pronoun "yours".
Proper names are not included,
Though I often heard, as you did,
Funny names like Glamis and Vaughan,
Ingestre, Tintagel, Strachan.
Nor, my maiden fair and comely,
Do I want to speak of Cholmondeley
Or of Froude (compared with proud
It's no better than Macleod).
Sea, idea, Guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,
Sally with ally. Yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, hey, quay.
Say aver but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
Never guess, it is not safe;
We say calves, valves, half, but Ralph.
Heron, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device and eyrie,
Face, but preface and grimace,
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass,
Bass (the fish); gin, give and verging,
Ought, oust, joust, scour and scourging.
Ear but earn. Mind! Wear and tear
Do not rhyme with "here" but "ear".
Row, row, sow, sow, bow, bow, bough;
Crow but brow. Please, tell me now:
What's a slough and what's a slough?
(Make these rhyme with "cuff" and "cow").
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen.
Monkey, donkey, clerk but jerk;
Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.
Say serene but sirene. Psyche
must be made to rhyme with "spiky".
It's a dark abyss or tunnel,
Strewn with stones like whoop and gunwale,
Islington, but Isle of Wight,
Houswife, verdict but indict -
Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying gather, bather, lather?
Tell me, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, cough, lough or tough?
Hiccough has the sound of "cup" -
My advice is - give it up
Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 6, May 2003 2:05:18 PM IST
Hints on pronunciation for Foreigners!
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, lough, and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird,
And dead: it's said like bed, not bead --
For goodness sake don't call it 'deed'!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear;
And then there's dose and rose and lose --
Just look them up -- and goose and choose,
And corek and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword,
And do and go and thwart and cart --
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five!
Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 6, May 2003 2:04:40 PM IST
lost my appetite!
If GH stands for P as in "hiccough",
if OUGH stands for O as in "dough",
if PHTH stands for T as in "phthisis
if EIGH stands for A as in "neighbor",
if TTE stands for T as in "gazette", and
if EAU stands for O as in "plateau", then
the right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU
Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 6, May 2003 2:03:34 PM IST
English is so hard to learn!
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 6, May 2003 2:03:17 PM IST
ur queer English language
We'll begin with box; the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
But the plural of mouse in not ever meese.
You may find a lone mouse, or a whole nest of mice,
But the plural of house is still never hice.
If the plural of man is always men
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be pen?
If I speak of a foot and you show me two feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth, and a whole set are teeth
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
If a singular this is a plural these
Should the plural of kiss ever be keese?
We speak of a brother and also call brethren,
And though we say mother we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim
Posted by: Mr. Siri Siri At: 6, May 2003 2:02:14 PM IST
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