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BOLLYWOOD cliches!

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BOLLYWOOD ROUND UP- ISSTART TO FINEEESH! ENJOY!!! If you are aspiring to strike a career in the Bollywood, be it a director, script writer or even penning dialogues, this section will be very helpful to you for it contains the scenes and dialogues which every film has and you cannot afford to miss it !! Some of the here may be rather sexist, chauvinistic, supercilious, vapid, racist, tasteless, offensive and emotionally backward, but we have to be slightly sober for censorship reasons and cannot show Hindi films in their full crowning glory MUST SCENES FOR EVERY FILM Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain , and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine) If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes / heroines will die or take off to foreign country at the end of the movie. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savegely for at least 5 minutes Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled. The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the first 30 minutes, and commit suicide. In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never miss run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die) Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of pots, barrels, glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces. Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by the brothers their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax) the family dog/cat. The amazing thing is that these folks remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can't remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre. There will always be one song in which heroine is scantily dressed and singing in rain. There will always be one rape scene One item song...gyrating sexy heroine...hundred bikini clad women along...villain & co oogling at them... HERO The Hero is the person who gets the woman in the end and kills everyone with moles on their faces. The hero shaves, drinks, drives, gesticulates and picks several fights. He normally has a mother who seldom has a lover. He may have a moustache, but never has a beard, unless he is in disguise or utter poverty. He delivers his lines with minimum style, and except for those lines in which he grimaces, he is totally stone-faced. If the hero has a comic side to him, he says very little of consequence in the entire film and does not die in the end. Tere saamne teri maut khadi hai Kuttay !! Tumhare liye meri jaan bhi haazir hai Mere paas meri mari maa ka ashirwad hai. Apne Aaadmiyon se kaho ki bandookein phhek de Dunyaki koi takat hame juda nahi kar sakti Mere hotey huay tumhara koi baal bhi baaka nahin kar sakta Yeh meri maa keh Kangan hai Maa, mujhe Ashirwad de Khabardaar joe Usse haat bhee lagaya Tumne apni ma ka dudh piya hai to ... Maa main first class first pass ho gaya hu.... Arre, tum to mere bicchade huay bhai ho Agar tune meri behen ko chua to mujhse badkar aur koi nahi hoga... Aaj tum bahut khoobsoorat lag rahi ho Ye tum hi ho..ya phir chaand zamin par aa gaya HEROINE The heroine is the stupidest of all Hindi film characters. She normally settles for a man with no class, and even lesser money. She is usually a lot younger and seriously better looking than the hero, even when the hero is the kind whose insipid persona leaves nothing but the looks to matter. Her father is either ridiculously rich or pathetically poor. Any heroine who starts the film in short skirts ends it in sarees. One who doesn't is the vamp. Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chhod do Hato. Tum bade woh ho Oho..chhodo bhi na..dekho Chintu aa gaya... Naheen! Tum mere saath aisa nahin kar sakte Mein tumhare bagair nahin reh sakti Maa ne tumhe ghar bulaya hai Main usse pyar karti hoon Humne pyar kiya hai koi gunah nahin Kuchh goonde mere pichhe pade hai Baar baar mera pichha kyon karte ho Koi Dekh Lega Maine tumhe kya samjha, aur tum kya nikley! Mein tumhare bachhe ki maa ban ne wali hoon Bachao...Bachao... HERO'S SISTER The hero's sister invariably has her modesty outraged. She seldom lasts beyond a few scenes and in rarest cases lives to see the end of the film. If there is ever a poignant scene highlighting the brother-sister relationship, it is a clear indicator of the sister's soon to follow death. Mere bhaiya ko lambi umar dena, bhagwan Mere bhai pe koi aanch na aye Khabardar jo mujhe chhua bhi, main apni jaan dey doongi Bhaiyya, tum mere liye ek pyaari si bhabhi kab laaonge Main kissi ko muh dikhane layak nahi rahi Bhagwaan ke liye, meri suhaag mat ujaado Chhod do mujhe, bhagwaan ke liye chhod do Tum mujhe chuoge to mere bhai se bada dushman nahi milega Bachao...Bachao..aaah Kameene...chod de mujhe...zaalim... VILLAIN Undoubtedly, the villain has the most fun. He nearly gets close to rape the heroine, in fact rapes the hero's sister & beats the hero, & kidnap his family in the climax. Sometimes he gets the chance to kill them too !!! Tum sign karte ho ke nahi ? Itni achi cheez bhagwaan ke liye chod doon. Kabhi nahin Ab Saare Hindustan par hamara raaz hoga Batao faarmoola kahan hay? Tumhari maa hamare kabze main hai Kahan jaa rahi ho chhamak chhalon In gori gori kalaiyon ko kaam karne ki kya zaroorat hai Yahan teri izzat bachane koi nahi ayega Yahan teri cheekh sunne walah koi nahin Bula tere bhagwan ko-- dekhta hoon kaun ata hai? Kis maai ke laal mein itni himmat hai jo mujhse takrayega ? Gaddari ki ek hi sazaa hoti hai, maut Uski koi kamzori hogi, koi maa ya behan? Raabert....follow me... Goriya....ye tera husn hai ya jannat ka karishma? VILLAINS SIDEKICK's The villain's cronies normally have quite a raw deal. They seldom get the better women to molest, and even when they do, they have to make do with sharing one among at least ten. They are always hammered by the hero and his sidekick, and return to further hammering from their 'boss' the villain. They are normally dark skinned (!) have moles, beards and wear handkerchiefs around their necks. Boss, Maine tumhara namak khaya hain Boss! Maal pakda gaya. Tumhe Boss ne bulaya hain Ok Boss Boss...shikaar hamari taraf aa raha hai Boss...yehi wo gaddaar hai jisne police ko...(dhishkyon!) DOCTORS Doctors in Hindi films are of two kinds, the first is the family/ neighbourhood/ fairy-tale doctor who arrives in slums on rainy midnights to announce high fever and death, and the second is the 'expensive-beyond-lawful-means' doctor who delivers babies, cures near-death cases and drives all his billpayers to crime. Mujh par bharosa rakhiye I am sorry Iska to bahot khoon bahey chooka hai. Phoren operation karna padega. Bhagwan ne chaha to sab thik hoga. Badhai ho, tum baap bannay waalay ho Badhai ho, tum maa bannay waali ho Iski haalat bahot najook hai Tumhe sakt aaram ki jaroorat hai Maaf keejiye, par ise cancer hai Main abhi Bombay mein Dr. Joshi ho consult karta hoon.. Jaldi se woh dawayee lao. Ab sabh kuch oopar waley ke haath mein hain Ise ab dava ki nahin, dua ki zaroorat hai Ab main kuch bhi nahin kar sakta. Bacche ko to hum ney bacha liya par maa... THE LAW Contrary to popular belief, there is in fact a concept of law and order in Hindi films. Upholders of the law in Hindi films are of two kinds, the police and the judiciary, quite as it is in real life. The police pick up thugs and the judges let them off Main Gita par kasam kha kar kehta hoon ki jo kuch kahoonga sach............ Order..Order.. Kanoon Ko apney haath mein mat lo Kanoon jazbaat nahi, saboot dekhti hai Kanoon ko saboot chahiye Tazeerat-e-hind , dafa 302 ke tahat, mulzim ko maut ki saza sunai jaati hai Tamaam sabooton aur bayaanon ko maddenazar rakhte hue, ye adalat mujrim ko.... Mulzim ko Baa izzat bari kiya jata hai Milord.. The case has been adjourned till... Agar tum khaamoosh nahin hoge to ise adalat ki tauheen samjhi jaayegi Objection Milord Objection Sustained Objection overruled Thats all your honor...your witness please Meri adalat se ye darkhwast hai ki... HERO / HEROINE's FATHER The father is normally a symbol of outright pathos, either cringing to the worldly demands of having unmarried daughters or the burden of having a violent son with little ambition beyond rotating around trees. If the father is an honest, upright citizen - he is shot in the first few frames by the villain who has little use for his moralities Ghar mein do javaan betiyan hain Agar toonay aisa kiya toh - mujhse burra koi nahin hogaaa Ek baar iske haath pile kar doon, phir mein chain se mar sakta hoon Is ghar ke darwaaze, tumhare liye hamesha ke liye band hein Beti to paraya dhan hai. Mere jeeteji yeh shaadi nahin ho sakti. Main jald hi dahez ki sari rakam chuka doonga Yeh aap kya kah rahen hai, bhai sahib Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhane ke layak nahin rahe Kya isi din ke liye tujhe paida kiya tha ? Main kahta hoon, Door ho jaa meri nazron sey Khamoosh..agar to tumhari shaadi hogi to kisi bade baap ke bete se hi hogi... Tumne is khaandaan ka naam mitti me mila diya MOTHER Any widow in a Hindi film is a mother. Anyone marrying a character actor in the beginning of the film and bearing two children is sure to be widowed. And there are the unmarried mothers. The sons thereafter are likely to grow up to be the main protagonists. Sewing machine is her favourite timepass tool and she will always make halwa for her son. Mera Raja beta Bhagwan, mere bete ki raksha karna Mera ashirwad sada tere saath hai. Tujhe ek maa ki aah lagegi Mera beta aisa kabhi nahin kar sakta. Mera beta teri maut bankar aayega, thakur! Ek baar mujhe maa keh kar pukaro beta... Mere bete ki raksha karna prabhu Kya apni maa ki baat nahi maanega? Mera achha beta, jaldi se dudh peekar bada ho jaa. Is budhi maa ka tumhare siwa aur kaun hai? Mere Raja bete ko aaj mein apne haaton se khilaaongi Hey bhagwan, mere suhaag ki raksha karna Maine tere liye gajar ka halwa banaya hai Maine tumhe paal pos kar bada kiya.. Maar, Maar isse betay, isse ne tere Devata jaise pita ka khoon kiya MOTHER-IN-LAW The most nasal voice in the cast belongs to the mother-in-law. She has usually got a dead husband, or one who gives 'henpecked' new dimensions. She specialises in kicking the heroine / hero's sister / bhabhi while she is sweeping the floor. She seldom dies, but always gets her come-uppance in the end when her husband, after years of ayurveda and yoga regains his lost vitality, insults her in public and forces her into submission. Chudeil! Kide pade tere ..... Tere baap ke bheje huey iss sari ka too kya karegi. Chal, mujhe dey Ey Chudail, ab kaha se mooh kala karke aayee hain? Aah Haa Haa, Maharani, waha baithey baithey kya kar rahi hain Arri Kalmoohi, Kaha mar gayi Eh Kulta, tere baap ne ab tak dahej ki rakam nahin chukayi Bahurani, tumne to hamare khaandaan ki naak katadi hai and many many many many many many many many more.........

Posted by: Manjesh Choudhary Gorjala At: 24, Apr 2002 1:16:10 PM IST

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