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Articles: My Thoughts | DIVORCE
- Prof. Narasimham Brahmandam
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Divorce was practically an unknown word in ancient India. Even in countries with the custom, marriage after divorce was not looked upon with the same respect as the first marriage. Usually divorce is granted by a court after some counseling. It shows that society does not ordinarily favor it. It is not left merely to the frivolity of the individual but is to be approved by the society (in the form of court). The inference is that the society has a stake in the stability of marriage.
Discord between the couple arises out of habits or idiosyncrasies distasteful to the partner, out of ego complex, suspicion of fidelity or sexual maladjustment. In joint families and semi-joint families, there is usually jealousy between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law for the monopoly over the affections of the boy. Greed of the in-laws and the husband to extort money and gifts from the parents of the girl by ill-treating her is also a common cause for discord.
In India and many countries in the orient, the physical fulfillment of sex in marriage is not openly discussed. Ancient treatises on sex like the kamasutras of Vatsyaayana indicate that the bodily aspects of marriage did receive their attention. They seem to be of the view that given a knowledge of the techniques of sex, any couple can get on without much frustration on the sexual front. Also, the physical fulfillment does not seem to be entirely independent of the emotional aspects of companionship.
Has ‘love’, in this context of marriage or sexual union, its roots in the body or the mind? This ticklish question is framed in an inimitable au in a folk tale:
Two friends and their wives were going through a jungle. The ladies felt thirsty. The two men went in search of water. Unfortunately they were beheaded by some hill men in a dispute at the water spot. After some time, the ladies came in search of their husbands and found them beheaded. While they were lamenting, a sage happened to pass by. The ladies beseeched him to revive their husbands. He gave them a root called sanjivani and advised them to put the body and the head together and touch the joint with the root. The ladies followed the instruction expeditiously and brought them back to life. But in their eagerness to revive them they committed a mistake. The head of one man was joined to the body of the other. The question now is who is whose husband?
There can be two answers to the question depending on whether the ladies valued the warmth of the heart, which rests in the head, or the warmth of the embrace, which rests with the body. This has a bearing on the assessment of the sex factor in marriage and divorce.
The civil codes of most countries provide for the husband taking responsibility for the maintenance of the divorced wife till she marries again, if she so wishes. It indirectly puts the responsibility for reconciliation on the husband. In case he is not able to reconcile, he will have to take care of the wife even after divorce. This is because, wife is just a housewife and dependent partner of marriage.
Reconciliation is what the society needs, not only between the wife and husband, members of he family, families in the community but even between nations. Behind this wish for mutual accommodation is the need to get on with the progress of humanity (i.e., the fulfillment of the evolutionary goal of nature). Home is the primary ground for training in mutual accommodation. Stability of marriage is, therefore, of prime importance in ensuring world peace and furtherance of evolution.
Marriage was not looked upon as a contract as is done in the west today. It was a sacrament.
Nowadays, there is a lot of stress laid on ‘love’ especially in literature and films. It is presumed that wedlock after courting would lead to a happy and stable marriage. That this is not true is evident from the spate of divorces in countries with the culture of premarital courting. The large number of enduring marriages arranged by parents in India also belies this concept.
Love is born out of a sense of belonging. The Sanskrit word for love is mamata., where mama means ‘mine’. ta is only a suffix to form a noun out of the word. So love means ‘mine-ness’. A person, thing or country is loved because of this sense of belonging. One may have a sister who is lame, blind or short tempered or might even have misbehaved. That does not come in the way of his loving her, because she is his sister. Similarly he would love a girl who is designated his wife early enough and the thought takes root firmly in his mind.
In the past when girls used to be married between the ages of 11 and 13, the custom was for the girl to live with the parents till she came of age. The parents gave occasions to the boy and the girl to develop the sense of belonging by frequent visits to each other’s home for festivals and other auspicious occasions. The consummation of marriage was always a separate function a few years later. In the modern context, this may be pushed to a mature age of 24 or 25. The actual religious rite of ‘marriage’ may be construed as betrothal or a promise. The intervening period will serve as ‘post marital courting’ or more precisely a period of cultivating love.
Such cultivated love is often more enduring then love at first sight. A boy and girl who instantly fall in love with each other so fondly that they even defy the parents, are often persons with strong likes and dislikes. This very nature contributes to an equally strong repulsion after marriage when they come face to face with some tastes, attitudes or idiosyncrasies in the partner that they do not like. Their strong will would then lead them to as hasty a divorce as the earlier marriage. This seems to be the reason behind divorces among love marriages. In fact we may not be surprised if a proper survey reveals that love marriages are more likely to be broken than matched marriages.
Practically all the marriages in India till the recent past were arranged matches. The majority of the couples were devoted to each other, cared for each other and, if that could be called love, they loved each other. No better proof is needed to prove that love is cultivable. Premarital acquaintance gives no more credible guarantees for a happy home than post marital friendship does.
Socially and spiritually viewed, we are expected to love not only our spouses and fiancées, but also everyone in the society. Ultimately, it is the universal love that ensures peace and harmony in the society. Then why this undue importance to this short lived lust?
Divorce is an escape from a challenge. It is like running away from the battle. The partner may be tempestuous, or intransigent. But a competent person should not abandon but tame the partner (like taming of the shrew). Can one divorce a parent or a child that is incompatible? He/she divorces the wife/husband because marriage is considered a contract and not a life bond. Marriage is a sacrament and not a contract. It is like the adoption of a child.
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