Keeping control of the remote? - TeluguPeople.com News

Sport is a serious business, but watching sport is not. Television, far from bringing families together, often tears them apart. At least two couples I know separated after a World Cup tournament ' it doesn't matter which one, football or rugby or cricket, it's the principle ' and for two different reasons. In one case, the wife was shocked at the discovery that her husband could in such cavalier manner call for the referee's head and describe in such detail what he would do to his liver, pancreas and other body parts for a decision he didn't agree with. 'I didn't realise there was so much cruelty lurking in him,' she told me later. 'Sweet nothings on the one hand, and human sacrifices on the other? I am lucky I discovered this early in our marriage.'

How do you tell someone who doesn't understand the aesthetics of sports watching that the fantasy of referee disembowelling is one that sustains supporters of losing teams? The most important sporting quote of all time is the response of the loser ' We wuz robbed ' and there is no room for truth or fact-checking here. Sport is not a substitute for war ' it is war, and the true fan takes no prisoners.

In the case of the other couple, it was overspending that caused the rift. Not that the husband went out and bought a football team he could ill-afford. Just that, irritated by inane questions on the action on television, the husband told the wife, 'Why don't you leave me alone and go out and buy some jewellery or something.' She bought the jewellery on a daily basis, and then left him alone, thus fulfilling both his wishes.

Choosing a team to represent your country is important, but that is nothing compared to choosing the team to watch the action with. With the cricket World Cup set to take up television time, it is crucial that you choose correctly. My ideal companion is my son who is sharp, has a gift for channel-flipping so we never get to see any of the ads between overs in a cricket match, and has a wide enough range of interests to hold a conversation when the action flags.

My dad, who has seen Vinoo Mankad play, is a good companion too, especially since he does not hark back to the days when he saw Mankad play. Some of the worst people to watch cricket with are former internationals who will tell you what they did, what they would have done, and how everybody is making too much money these days.

Then, there is your average garden variety know-all, who has read all the statistics but can't distinguish between a right hander and a left hander, and can't tell if a bowler is a left arm spinner or a medium pacer. He is occasionally distracted by a figure in the crowd, and wants you to know that he is both an expert on the game, and on the fashion house that supplied the shoes to the spectator in the third row who looks as if he has been tagged on to the picture as an afterthought.

Only slightly worse is the know-****-all who will constantly interrupt to ask you the kind of questions a third-grader will be embarrassed to ask. He expects you to give him a lecture on laminar flow and its bearing on outswing bowling, or why a fielder is doing what he is. If you ignore him, he will proceed to explain to you, in great detail, his take on these subjects. What he lacks in knowledge he makes up in volubility.

If you are the lone cricket-watcher in your house, that is no problem. You can make a crack about your home being your castle, and monopolise your TV. If you have near and dear ones with only a little knowledge, that is the dangerous thing. You could be spending your World Cup either explaining cricket or listening to some dimwit explain his version of it. In that case, there is only one solution. You will have to watch the game live at the stadium. Live action is the last resort of the television fan.